A long week.....

So Paul was away for the weekend then home then stayed at his mum and dads for a few nights - all very important stuff (and I do mean that), but Pj has been on crutches all week so has needed taking to and from school and waiting on, and Sarah has been home. As I said its been a long week!
Sarah is much better. She has been in to all her lectures, she has been in to CU, she is out to a social tonight, and church tomorrow, and is planning to stay in halls sunday night. But - she can see no advantage of staying in Halls permanently. She isn't deciding yet, but still feels that it is a very lonely place for her. She's had some really good days, but is still very unsettled, and emotional, and worried about how people will judge her.
Which all means I'm very glad its the weekend!!!! Reorganising the study, catching up on chores, chilling :)
By the way I didn't go for the job. The travelling was huge and I spoke to someone from the hospice world that gave me another perspective and I decided it was a challenge too far, for me, just now - and I'm very peaceful with the decision.

Home?

So – Sarah has come home. At the moment it’s not a permanent decision but it may become one. Basically she felt so alone in her flat that she became increasingly distressed to the extent that she was barely eating and was crying, or on the verge of crying, all day. By Sunday pm she was panicking and had could see no way out other than coming home. She is still going to lectures, and even went to the flat last night, spoke to some of her flat mates, had supper with one, but then was alone in her room with panic rising. So she came home. She is much better here, but not completely right, which is very telling. She feels that at some point she has to decide what she is doing, living at home, or living in. There’s a huge part of her that would like to decide to move home right now, but she knows she might miss some things so has agreed to wait.
I am equally confused. Although I knew she would be homesick I hadn’t anticipated this level, not to the level of panic and distress where it overwhelms her thoughts every hour of her waking day, and cannot be distracted or distract herself. It was heart breaking watching it. She loves her course, has made friends on it, and met some nice people at CU. Its just her flat – nice people that she has nothing in common with, who are out clubbing most of the time so she cant get to know them or hang out with them in those most alone times. Now I know its only a week but it feels like a life time to her.
Someone said to me yesterday that I had to make her go back and stay. Now I stopped being able to make Sarah do anything quite a few years ago, and anyway she is an adult and someone else said to me on Sunday that I cant make any decisions for her – she has to make her own – and this feels right.
I want her to have the best time ever at Uni, and to get a great degree. Who wrote the rules that this can only happen by living in Halls, even if that makes you this upset, that you just have to get through it for it to get better.
I don’t want her to regret any decisions she makes though and there is no need to decide now. We can keep her room and she can stay here for as long as it takes to understand how Uni life works and see if she would be missing anything by living at home.
She knows that there is a risk things like CU and church in Oxford may seem like too much effort and she’s asked me to encourage her over those. The great thing is she does love the course and there is no risk about it.
It does feel weird though –we said goodbye and she’s back – I’m not having to cope with missing her like mad cos she’s here, we had both mentally prepared for this and we’re dealing with something else!
And God – His words have been that He is in control and that this is only temporary. Much as I would like a magic wand I will take Him in control.
Other peoples perceptions are interesting.......

Missing Sarah......

As she's just nagged me to blog (having posted 4 blogs now she has internet) I have to dedicate this one to her! Its your own fault sweetheart if I'm embarrassing!
So we took Sarah to halls on saturday, moved all her stuff in, then all came home for one last night at home, before really taking her on Sunday. I was a bit emotional all day, a real mixture, cos I know this is the right place at the right time and I know she's going to be awesome! So we said a swift goodbye before either of us cried to much and came home.
Its weird, I know she's just 20 minutes away, which is great, and we've spoken every day so far and we had a very quick lunch today, but its still huge. Seeing her today was soooooo lovely - she's doing really well, making friends, being organised etc etc. I find I'm exhausted, it takes so much energy coping with missing her. I'm not crying all the time though - I'm focusing on all the positives. PJ and Paul are being sweet, well Paul is trying to ignore it, and PJ is playing it down, but they are putting up with my increased need for hugs etc.
You see last year moved us from mum and daughter to mum and daughter who are friends, and that makes me the luckiest mum ever.
So its ok, and it'll be fine, and although it'll be different we'll always be close.
Enough soppiness for now.................

Dilemma

Ok, so I've muttered about work a few times - here is the explanation with an unexpected twist!
Now I love my job. Up until now I have been based in a lovely office with a truly great team. I get to work with families, I get to make the system work for them. I have influence, authority and a budget! But......changes are a foot - I am to be moved from said lovely office and fab team, my 'wings are to be clipped' all for to enable greater things which noone has explained. I have spent ages and ages reflecting on all this, well once I got over the emotional bit about being moved from my mates, and I decided not to follow my first instinct to run away (aka find a new job) but to challenge my boss about the reasons behind all this (in a cool calm constructive manner - pray for me this bit happens on monday) and to wait and see if it happened.
So on tuesday a job description is emailed to me (as part of an email group) head of care development at Children's Hospice UK. Huge pay rise (1/3rd more!!) home base, office in Bristol (?once a week 10am start is ok) travel round the hospices in the UK inspiring leading improving care, campaigning for improving palliative care for kids. Now a lot of this I like, a lot. The travelling sounds serious though. And leaving the NHS.........
So I'm praying - I've got until 26th to decide. I've rung and had the informal chat, which went very well - they sounded very keen! But I'm really not sure if I want to travel so much - why did this have to appear right now?
All thoughts and prayers gratefully received.

PS Sarah's post describes the dry BBQ beautifully so I decided I wouldn't duplicate!

A wet BBQ????

As Sarah is threatening to get her own back on me and nag me if I don't blog (rather than me nag her!) I suppose I should!!!!
I'm working from home today which is really nice as it means more peace, more work, and I can use my lunch hour to prepare for her party. Right now I think we are mad - there are approx 40 people coming here for a BBQ - now for anyone who knows our house it has a lovely big garden and this wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for the weather forecast! Quite why I am surprised after the summer we have had I don't know but hey - 40 folks in my house will make for fun and the weather may be better that they are saying! I'm looking forward to it really - I have a little surprise planned for Sarah today (if you read this before hand Sarah wait and see!) and need to some shopping and some cooking but it'll be good.
What else - back to work hasn't been as bad as I thought mainly because everything's gone quiet about the move (I'll explain properly another time). I did, very briefly look at an advert for assistant chief nursing officer at DH! I'm taking some time to think through what it is that is the most important bit about work for me (as I am being forced to lose one bit). I was at a course yesterday and heard one person ask another - if you were made redundant today what would you do on monday (as in the decision to change or not is taken away). The guy asked knew the answer categorically. I don't - so lots to think about. Well I'd better do some of that work!!!!!

I've been longing to join in and have a blog for ages but wasn't sure that it was the done thing for 40 somethings but now that Angie has one I can succumb!!! So here I will recall my random ramblings - do you know chosing a name was the hardest thing - but as I suspect that this will simply be a place to record all the random stuff that goes on in my head........
So September - lots of new things ahead - Sarah goes to Uni in less than 2 weeks -I'm excited for her - she is so ready and she will be fab-but also aware of how big a change it is and how much I'll miss her. PJ starts sixth form tomorrow. Work - well it will be interesting -big changes a foot and I dont want any of them but hey God is bigger than all of this!
And now I'm late for small group leaders meeting.................