words....

It's struck me recently how the smallest of words can have the broadest of meanings.

 

OK - what exactly is ok? It's our stock answer to the 'how are you?' question, but can hold so many options. Particularly in the context of grief. I'm just as likely as anyone to ask this question faced with someone who has lost someone precious, mainly because what else do you say, and I hope its better than saying nothing. I often follow it with a  'that's a daft question, isn't it?'. But I decided recently that anywhere between not getting up, washed or dressed (and there's occasions when this is ok), and not being in complete denial, counts as 'ok'. Thinking some more post Sarah's accident has made me acutely aware that it can encompass huge relief and gratitude, and reeling with shock and what might have been - we were ok, and are ok (moving towards the much more ok now).

 

NORMAL is another of those words....as I shopped in Abingdon today I heard people talking about getting back to normal - 'whatever that is'. I thinks its another moveable feast. I love the normal of a house full of children and mess, and I like the normal of a day of peace and quiet, and a busy day at work.

 

LOVE - came down at Christmas, as a tiny baby, helpless and defenceless, to rescue us, to answer the forever question of what is God's answer to pain and suffering - JESUS.

 

THANK YOU - isn't a big enough word(s).

 

Guardian angels...

On Monday I had a phone call from a lady I didn't know, calling on Sarah's phone.

 

Sarah was trapped, upside down, in her crashed car. She was able to talk, and emergency services were on their way. I spoke briefly to a very frightened Sarah, and then I jumped in my car.

 

One very scary drive later (where I desperately tried not to think at all, rather to concentrate on not speeding or crashing my car, but did manage to call Paul and tell him), and I arrived at the 'scene'.

 

To a scene of blue flashing lights, its a dark part of the countryside, and all I could see were these blue lights.....knowing Sarah was somewhere in the middle. Even now the memory fills me with horror.

 

The next bit is a series of stills....

The policeman letting me in when I told him I was her mum

Standing watching the fire crew and paramedics doing there stuff, not being able to get anywhere near her.

Paul arriving,

Ringing PJ and Hannah......what do you say when you know so little?

Realising I needed to get people praying, that this was something I could do. So I rang one friend with the few details I had, and she rang others, who rang more.

Kind, efficient, caring professionals, who did their job and helped us wait.

 

She was trapped for almost an hour, at some point the paramedic said he couldn't find any injuries but couldn't check her over completely until she was out. Eventually they lifted her out, and eventually I could go to her, and see and speak with her. Cold, scared, shaken, but alive, conscious and moving.

Obs that started being done that were all normal (apart from a temp of 35.4). Eventually an ambulance that took her and me to A&E, to resus, and a team to check her over. Log rolls and neck braces, scans and xrays, more phone calls, holding ones, then ones of pure relief when we finally heard them clear her of any injury but lots of bruised and battered soft tissues. And discharge her.

 

Today her aches are easing, she's driven Paul's car, we're all recovering from the shock, which has layers, and highs and lows.

 

But relief and thankfulness are predominate.

 

God is amazing - He kept her safe through an horrific car crash (her car is a right off). He surrounded her with his angels, heavenly ones, and earthly people He sent to look after her - Jane - the neighbour who heard the car horn and was with her in minutes, who was calm and sensible. Ged - the off duty policeman who stopped, who got in the car with Sarah, who talked her through the whole experience, who kept her safe. For the policemen, the fire crew, the paramedics and doctors and nurses, who did their job. For friends and families who prayed, and worried, and rejoiced with us. To my God, who cares, and loves us, and saved us from a tragedy, the  thought of which still haunts me, just a little.

 

 

 

 

As an aside I get thanked for what I do, as we thanked those who did their job that night. We all try and do our job well, and we all brush aside the thanks we're given. This reminded me of the difference it makes when that job is done with skill and attention to detail, and efficiency, but more, with care, compassion, and a little bit of humour.

For James...

Apparently I don't blog often enough! Whilst I acknowledge this is true, and I'm going to have a go at being better, one of the things that often hinders me is that much of what is going on in my life is work, and its hard to know if and how to talk about it whilst maintaining confidentiality. But I do have other things in my life....

 

One of these is studying, which is possibly a cheat, as its all work related at the moment. But I've just finished one assignment, which drove me mad and then got me hooked! Which is quite a good thing as it was the research module ahead of my masters dissertation, which I have now officially begun. And I'm raring to go. I'm also aware this probably won't last. But I discovered that I quite like research. I've always liked writing essays, to me it feels like a jigsaw without a full picture, that has a frustrating bit where you really think it can't fit together, and then suddenly it does, and makes quite a nice picture. Research is even more so, you start with an idea, and start hunting to find out what the picture will look like, will it end up anything like your original idea. Which I enjoy (and most of my friends will think is mad!)

 

What else? Well Paul's mammoth travel/work away stint is over for now. The beginning was ok, I was studying, and I quite enjoy my own company, but as time dragged on (this was a 9 week period) I got totally fed up, tired and stressed. And now we're attempting to adjust, which will happen (I will get used to sleeping next to a snorer again), and having someone to share all the jobs with, and even better having someone to share the highs and lows of my day with is good. And Sarah will appreciate not having me taking out my stress in either tears or tantrums!

 

And its nearly Christmas, Hannah comes home today, carol services this evening, I finish work on Thursday, PJ comes home. And then we get to enjoy some time together, and we get to celebrate :)