A lovely day :) (soppiness warning)

We have spent a lovely Christmas Day together. Just the 4 of us. We had lots of options but being in Trowbridge with half of the Brombley clan felt too big a group for Paul's parents, and being with mine felt restrictive in case we needed to change plans at the last moment, so we spent the day together, stockings (yes we still do them :) ), church, more presents, a late lunch (Paul excelled himself) and lots and lots of family games, mahjong, catan (thanks to Ell for getting us into this one) cards................... lovely relaxing fun time together.
We'd had a scare monday night when Paul's mum fell again and was too weak to go upstairs, she is recovering slowly but they've moved her bed downstairs now, and are getting more care in, but its another step forward to the inevitable. We're going over tomorrow, the 5 of us (PJ's Hannah makes 5), and will spend some time with them which will be good. I think there was a part of all of us that had dreaded what today might end up being about, and as a result today feels like a real blessing - so thank you Lord, for this extra gift on the day we remember your most amazing gift.

On holiday!

I have finished work and am now off for 16 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Having had a lovely evening with friends last night, and a lie in this morning its just starting to sink in and it feels great. I realise now that over the summer I had 3 separate weeks off so this is the longest break I've had in a long time, and work mobile's off, I'm not on call, I've disabled my work email and it feels soooooo good. As you know work has had its tough bits, they've now told us where they are moving us to, my colleague is excited, I'm resigned. We saw the office yesterday and its not awful, there are people I know and like, but it remains away from the team I love, who give me 80% of my support, but I'll live, there are some maybes on the horizon if I need them, and I'm going to be back at my old office several times a week, because they've said I can.
But NO MORE WORK!
Today Paul and I are going to walk down to town, have Costa Coffee, do a bit of shopping............I have a picture to paint, some pressies to wrap, nice stuff. Carol service tomorrow, Christingles to make, fun to have, time with my family, a Saviour's birth to celebrate. What more could I ask for..................

Calm

This has felt like a calmer week so far................Paul is away (not that he makes my life hectic!), work is ok, I'm having to resist wind down mode as I have a week and a day yet, not just a day, Sarah is close to finishing her final assignment, PJ is full of a cold but finishes tomorrow. I think it helps that I've almost done all my shopping, just stocking presents for my 'boys' (what do you put in their stockings when they are 16 and 47?) but mainly I think its lots of prayer support and knowing that I have a little bit of time not working before Christmas.
Another good thing is that one of the most important friendships in my life had been suffering through a combination of reasons, mutual busyness, mutual stress and teenagers having different things in common. Anyway it got to a point where we realised that we had let it slide too far and we are both making an effort and it makes a difference, a good difference.
So thanks for current calm and more prayers for future peace and calm

Christmas is coming..........

I cant believe how fast time is going at the moment! Sarah has had her last lecture, handed in 2 of her assignments, is well on track with the last 2. Pj has less than 2 weeks left of school............
Paul and I have managed to do most of the shopping and we got over to see his parents. They were looking quite good really - better than I had feared (I aught to know the imagination is always worse than the reality). His mum is incredibly weak, but was quite alert. His dad isn't in too much pain, we had a really good chat, he knows exactly what is going to happen and he is 'not despondent' as '85 is a good age'. We also managed to talk about how the end could be, as in where (home) and supported by the family + Macmillan Nurses. All in all I felt better for the visit and so did Paul.
I think the challenge of the next few weeks is to manage the busyness whilst remembering what we are really preparing for - a celebration of the coming of our Lord Jesus - man and child.

Uncertainty..........

As you may have guessed (or may know) probably the biggest thing we, as a family, have going on right now is Paul's parents failing health. His Dad is riddled with prostate cancer, we know its spread to his lymph system, bones and lungs, and that the last scan was ages ago so who knows where else. We also have a 12-18 months prognosis that extends to Christmas................and yet he keeps going, becoming slower and slower, and more stooped, but still caring for Paul's mum. She is suffering from old age - she is almost fading faster, having TIAs, ever increasing weakness on her left side and now losing power on her right. Her alertness varies enormously from flashes of complete accuracy to times when she can barely make it through a whole sentence.
Why am I describing this? Because we are really struggling with the uncertainty of when and how things will happen. Almost any time the phone rings, and certainly if its after 10pm or early am, we all jump a mile. And Paul is really struggling with the thought of Christmas.
So please could you continue to uphold is in prayer, obviously including George and Audrey, and Val (Paul's sister) who lives very near them and carries the caring burden daily.
I know God is in control and will see us through this.

Everything and nothing

Sarah has been seriously nagging me for not blogging for ages - my excuse is that my laptop was out of action for a week, and although I was using an old one it wasn't so good, or easy - feeble I know.
So everything...............is all the stuff, Paul's parents, uncertainty about Christmas, work, etc etc, making me, and Paul feel battered and exhausted. But in the grand scheme of things I know that God is good, and in control and graciously showing me little gems to remind me - Sarah thriving at her course, something at work falling into place like its meant too.
And tomorrow PJ is away at the Space weekend, and Paul is off to watch the rugby, so Sarah and I are going to spend the day doing girly stuff, shopping and relaxing I hope.

insomnia :(

Which is why I'm blogging at 2.35am! I've had a really long couple of days, travelled down to Exeter etc, came home, shattered, went to bed, dozed a bit, Paul came to bed, started snoring and here I am :(
Exeter was the last of the Department of Health days I had to do - I've been working for the last 2 years and a bit on a piece of work with them (slight understatement there - this has been a huge project that I've invested enormously in), and we finally got it to the stage where we could go out to National Consultation, hence I've been travelling round the country doing events. They have been some of the most challenging events I have done - 60-100 people, usually all senior, picking apart the work the team has done, 3 hours of thinking on your feet, fielding questions, attempting to turn around their sceptisism into constructive feedback. We've had varied success, and time will tell, its not about overwhelmingly persuading them that we've got it right - rather that we want them to tell us how we can improve it. Anyway today, after some very lively debate, one person said, this is complex, which is why we are all here, but thank you for all the hard work you have done to get it here, and they all clapped! A nice way to end :)
On which note I think I might have another go at sleeping..........

blogging before my daughter!

I was checking Sarah's blog, realised she hadn't blogged for over a week, was going to nag and then thought - she'll nag me back so I better blog first!
I'm having a good week, was at the Wellchild Award bash on monday http://www.wellchild.org.uk/Events-Awards.asp
Its a lovely event, this was the third year I was invited (just a humble guest not an award winner!) I love the glitz and glam and celeb spotting, my favourite is Ian Waite from Strictly Come Dancing (piccies to follow) but as you will see from the web site Prince Harry was there too! I was about 15 feet from him at one point :) He seemed quite shy but great with the kids.
Paul is decorating - yeah - we resolved the colour debate by choosing wallpaper for one wall and a neutral colour elsewhere - hopefully it will look great. I've been helping a bit but he's done most of it.
And this weekend we are going away, just the two of us, to a hotel in Cheltenham, relaxing, shopping, good food, good wine.
Better get ready to go to work!

Prison.............

Yesterday I went to prison..............I was invited to go and meet the nurses who work in a local prison for boys age 15-18. It was sad, very sad, hearing about boys who have a literacy age of 7-11, who, generally, have been brought up to believe that they can trust no one, who find that prison is the first safe place they have ever been in, and do not want to leave. Hearing of a small number of boys who are registered sex offenders - at 15!!!! Who have a 99 year life service on them. It made my heart cry - what have we done to let them get to this place. I know that's a stock phrase - the failings of society, but I was really challenged about what have I ever done to help them? Now I'm not about to radically change careers here, but I will be praying that somehow, someway, God will reach them, and for the people who work with them.
It was all the more poignant of course because PJ is 16 - that could have been him, in another life.......

How difficult can it be to chose a paint colour for the hall?

Paul and I seem to be making it harder than achieving world peace! We're not arguing, we just cant find a colour that we both like and think works in a hall. Its complicated by some fixed items, ie wooden floor, cream carpet etc which makes creams and neutrals too samey, I like blue, Paul doesn't, he likes apricot, I don't and so it goes on........... its almost funny really, except Paul's taken next week off to paint so we are running out of time :)

Work continues to be mega manic - I feel like I'm spinning too many plates but I have to hang on just a bit longer to a point when someone will hopefully come and help.

Sarah's knee is getting better and its almost half term so hopefully things will get better, and you never know, I might get my hall painted :)

Any chance of a quiet life?

Silly question I know!
It was a good week, with everyone settling back into a routine, with Sarah back at home, attending Uni.......work somewhat manic - the continuing health care project that I've been working on at the DH has kicked off which means 2 days a week travelling but its just for a few weeks, and then Sarah has to go and fall and hurt herself! She was at the CU weekend away, having a blast, playing a silly game at midnight! The good news is she hasn't chipped a bone in her knee (which they were worried about!) but she is to be on bed rest for a week! (The story of getting her to have an Xray when I was in Derby and Paul was in Farnborough was fun - rescued by my dad!). They gaily said no lectures :( Anyway we have found a way of obeying instructions whilst ignoring them - involves wheelchairs, lifts and friends who are lecturers - lol
So a quiet life.........I'm not holding my breath :)

What a difference a week makes :)

I hadn't been expecting to be at this point yet.......
So we began the week with Sarah spending sunday night at Halls, she didn't panic but she didn't like it, and she saw one of her flat mates for about 10 minutes.
And we were back to the regular what does she do that is right? Stay or come home?
I was fed up with the emotional rollercoaster but knew that wasn't a reason to rush the decision. Sarah felt that the flat offered her nothing. Paul felt that he had failed her as a parent if she wasn't ready to do this, and if we tried to make her do some more nights maybe it would help for next year?
Sarah is aware that sharing a house next year will be a challenge if she does it from home.
So we carried on waiting and praying.
The only sense I had was trying to apply the ideas we share with the kids of knowing whether something is from God or not - does it agree or contradict the bible (this one didn't help me) is it selfish (possibly) is it good? Now the one thought I had was would God be asking Sarah to stay in an environment that made her feel awful and which could tempt her into a lifestyle that isn't Godly. Sarah at one point let slip that her flatmates begin drinking at teatime ahead of going out clubbing each night.
Anyway as you can see I wasn't much further forward, and anyway this was Sarah and God's decision, not ours.
And Paul comes home from work, he'd spent the day fasting and during his quiet time at lunch, had clearly heard God say 'its time to bring Sarah home'.
So Sarah has moved home, and I am so grateful that the decision was made by the right person, and heard by the person who had most reservations about it.
For anyone still anxious (and don't be -this is God's plan) Sarah is totally committed to her course, to CU (she is going away with them next weekend), to church in Oxford, to staying over with friends in Oxford etc etc
And I am very grateful to God, that He is Sarah's infallible, all knowing parent,
:)

A long week.....

So Paul was away for the weekend then home then stayed at his mum and dads for a few nights - all very important stuff (and I do mean that), but Pj has been on crutches all week so has needed taking to and from school and waiting on, and Sarah has been home. As I said its been a long week!
Sarah is much better. She has been in to all her lectures, she has been in to CU, she is out to a social tonight, and church tomorrow, and is planning to stay in halls sunday night. But - she can see no advantage of staying in Halls permanently. She isn't deciding yet, but still feels that it is a very lonely place for her. She's had some really good days, but is still very unsettled, and emotional, and worried about how people will judge her.
Which all means I'm very glad its the weekend!!!! Reorganising the study, catching up on chores, chilling :)
By the way I didn't go for the job. The travelling was huge and I spoke to someone from the hospice world that gave me another perspective and I decided it was a challenge too far, for me, just now - and I'm very peaceful with the decision.

Home?

So – Sarah has come home. At the moment it’s not a permanent decision but it may become one. Basically she felt so alone in her flat that she became increasingly distressed to the extent that she was barely eating and was crying, or on the verge of crying, all day. By Sunday pm she was panicking and had could see no way out other than coming home. She is still going to lectures, and even went to the flat last night, spoke to some of her flat mates, had supper with one, but then was alone in her room with panic rising. So she came home. She is much better here, but not completely right, which is very telling. She feels that at some point she has to decide what she is doing, living at home, or living in. There’s a huge part of her that would like to decide to move home right now, but she knows she might miss some things so has agreed to wait.
I am equally confused. Although I knew she would be homesick I hadn’t anticipated this level, not to the level of panic and distress where it overwhelms her thoughts every hour of her waking day, and cannot be distracted or distract herself. It was heart breaking watching it. She loves her course, has made friends on it, and met some nice people at CU. Its just her flat – nice people that she has nothing in common with, who are out clubbing most of the time so she cant get to know them or hang out with them in those most alone times. Now I know its only a week but it feels like a life time to her.
Someone said to me yesterday that I had to make her go back and stay. Now I stopped being able to make Sarah do anything quite a few years ago, and anyway she is an adult and someone else said to me on Sunday that I cant make any decisions for her – she has to make her own – and this feels right.
I want her to have the best time ever at Uni, and to get a great degree. Who wrote the rules that this can only happen by living in Halls, even if that makes you this upset, that you just have to get through it for it to get better.
I don’t want her to regret any decisions she makes though and there is no need to decide now. We can keep her room and she can stay here for as long as it takes to understand how Uni life works and see if she would be missing anything by living at home.
She knows that there is a risk things like CU and church in Oxford may seem like too much effort and she’s asked me to encourage her over those. The great thing is she does love the course and there is no risk about it.
It does feel weird though –we said goodbye and she’s back – I’m not having to cope with missing her like mad cos she’s here, we had both mentally prepared for this and we’re dealing with something else!
And God – His words have been that He is in control and that this is only temporary. Much as I would like a magic wand I will take Him in control.
Other peoples perceptions are interesting.......

Missing Sarah......

As she's just nagged me to blog (having posted 4 blogs now she has internet) I have to dedicate this one to her! Its your own fault sweetheart if I'm embarrassing!
So we took Sarah to halls on saturday, moved all her stuff in, then all came home for one last night at home, before really taking her on Sunday. I was a bit emotional all day, a real mixture, cos I know this is the right place at the right time and I know she's going to be awesome! So we said a swift goodbye before either of us cried to much and came home.
Its weird, I know she's just 20 minutes away, which is great, and we've spoken every day so far and we had a very quick lunch today, but its still huge. Seeing her today was soooooo lovely - she's doing really well, making friends, being organised etc etc. I find I'm exhausted, it takes so much energy coping with missing her. I'm not crying all the time though - I'm focusing on all the positives. PJ and Paul are being sweet, well Paul is trying to ignore it, and PJ is playing it down, but they are putting up with my increased need for hugs etc.
You see last year moved us from mum and daughter to mum and daughter who are friends, and that makes me the luckiest mum ever.
So its ok, and it'll be fine, and although it'll be different we'll always be close.
Enough soppiness for now.................

Dilemma

Ok, so I've muttered about work a few times - here is the explanation with an unexpected twist!
Now I love my job. Up until now I have been based in a lovely office with a truly great team. I get to work with families, I get to make the system work for them. I have influence, authority and a budget! But......changes are a foot - I am to be moved from said lovely office and fab team, my 'wings are to be clipped' all for to enable greater things which noone has explained. I have spent ages and ages reflecting on all this, well once I got over the emotional bit about being moved from my mates, and I decided not to follow my first instinct to run away (aka find a new job) but to challenge my boss about the reasons behind all this (in a cool calm constructive manner - pray for me this bit happens on monday) and to wait and see if it happened.
So on tuesday a job description is emailed to me (as part of an email group) head of care development at Children's Hospice UK. Huge pay rise (1/3rd more!!) home base, office in Bristol (?once a week 10am start is ok) travel round the hospices in the UK inspiring leading improving care, campaigning for improving palliative care for kids. Now a lot of this I like, a lot. The travelling sounds serious though. And leaving the NHS.........
So I'm praying - I've got until 26th to decide. I've rung and had the informal chat, which went very well - they sounded very keen! But I'm really not sure if I want to travel so much - why did this have to appear right now?
All thoughts and prayers gratefully received.

PS Sarah's post describes the dry BBQ beautifully so I decided I wouldn't duplicate!

A wet BBQ????

As Sarah is threatening to get her own back on me and nag me if I don't blog (rather than me nag her!) I suppose I should!!!!
I'm working from home today which is really nice as it means more peace, more work, and I can use my lunch hour to prepare for her party. Right now I think we are mad - there are approx 40 people coming here for a BBQ - now for anyone who knows our house it has a lovely big garden and this wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for the weather forecast! Quite why I am surprised after the summer we have had I don't know but hey - 40 folks in my house will make for fun and the weather may be better that they are saying! I'm looking forward to it really - I have a little surprise planned for Sarah today (if you read this before hand Sarah wait and see!) and need to some shopping and some cooking but it'll be good.
What else - back to work hasn't been as bad as I thought mainly because everything's gone quiet about the move (I'll explain properly another time). I did, very briefly look at an advert for assistant chief nursing officer at DH! I'm taking some time to think through what it is that is the most important bit about work for me (as I am being forced to lose one bit). I was at a course yesterday and heard one person ask another - if you were made redundant today what would you do on monday (as in the decision to change or not is taken away). The guy asked knew the answer categorically. I don't - so lots to think about. Well I'd better do some of that work!!!!!

I've been longing to join in and have a blog for ages but wasn't sure that it was the done thing for 40 somethings but now that Angie has one I can succumb!!! So here I will recall my random ramblings - do you know chosing a name was the hardest thing - but as I suspect that this will simply be a place to record all the random stuff that goes on in my head........
So September - lots of new things ahead - Sarah goes to Uni in less than 2 weeks -I'm excited for her - she is so ready and she will be fab-but also aware of how big a change it is and how much I'll miss her. PJ starts sixth form tomorrow. Work - well it will be interesting -big changes a foot and I dont want any of them but hey God is bigger than all of this!
And now I'm late for small group leaders meeting.................