A slightly different Chrsitmas

I've been pondering over how to describe this Christmas. Because there were some lovely times - a great Christmas service, surrounded by my Church family, really good talk - challenging us to remember Jesus throughout the day. Lovely gifts, great lunch, good company.

But - it felt different. I've realised that I didn't relax completely.

Paul pulled his neck on Christmas day - he reached slightly awkwardly to hug PJ and aggravated it. And he's needed more pain meds, not just an increase back to where he was. And I think we're resigned to surgery now.................

And this meant that I was nervous during the cooking of lunch, didn't drink much, didn't relax much. So didn't have fun in the way I normally would. I did have some lovely times though.

Today our guests have all gone and we all get to collapse in a big heap, which I think is just what we need to do.

My kids, as ever were fab, and made it for me. PJ cooking brilliantly, Sarah fizzing with excitement.

Kal

Nearly.................

Christmas that is, less than a week now. I'm nearly ready, just a few small things for stockings to buy, then the presents to wrap. We always leave the family presents until Christmas eve, which I know is most people's idea of disaster, but its part of the build up for me :)

We went to the Carol service tonight and Sarah brought her bestest friend from her course, who isnt a Christian. It made me try and look at it as she might be seeing it. Its a very traditional service for us, very traditional carols, a choir, formal order, formal prayers. A great video (Cardboard testimonies - its on youtube but I'm too lazy to go get the link), an ok talk. Then a request to fill in a response card, which we all felt was a bit forced. But it made me think (as did having D there throughout) how I would I describe my faith?

I believe in the story behind Christmas, I believe Jesus came to earth, to die, so that I might be restored into a full, amazing relationship, with my Lord God. I know Him (in a human way) and I love Him, and He loves me, truly thinks I am awesome. And I try to keep Him central to my life, to rely on Him, not be blown off track by the storms of this world. And He lives in me, through what we call the Holy Spirit. Because He loves me, not because of anything I have done.
It may not make sense to you, but it makes every sense to me.

I'd be happy to talk to you some more, any time.......... because, to use that slightly corny phrase, this is the greatest gift, of all time, and I'd like to share it with you

Kal

Update

Paul has, indeed, slipped a disc a T2. Nice consultant, reasonable compromise between surgery now or maybe later (wait 4 weeks and review - surgery if no significant improvement).
So now he is off work for at least 4 weeks, continuing on the mega meds, which leave him dopey, and frustrated cos he cant work, drive, use a PC (much), lift or very much at all. Except remind me about everything that needs doing, and ask me repeatedly if I've done it yet............ I think this is going to be challenging for all of us.
He did manage to lead the children's carol service this am (we wont talk about him nearly falling off the stage), and I know that he cant help any of this, I'm just a little daunted by it all.

So all prayers gratefully received, my God is bigger than this, and is in control.

Curve ball............

Paul is injured - we don't know how, or just yet exactly what, but we do know that the slightly sore neck deteriorated into complete agony on Saturday, causing Paul to cry with pain, something I'd never seen before. Hence on trip to out of hours docs early hours of Sunday am, 'muscle spasm', heavy meds and home again, rough day on Sunday, agony middle of the night again, just a telephone call this time at 2am, to be able to give him even more meds, and finally some sleep.

Monday saw us at the gp who diagnosed nerve compression, dull reflexes as well as all the muscle spasm ?slipped disc somewhere in neck.

So now Paul is one mega meds (for those that are interested tramadol, diclofenac, paracetamol, diazepam and Amitryptiline) which have brought the pain to a manageable level (but not got rid of it) and caused him to be very dopey. On the plus side he is managing to sleep.

Tomorrow Paul is having an MRI scan, and seeing a neurosurgeon (thanks to microsoft providing private health care) so we will find out a bit more.

Sarah is feeling rough too, and has her next deadline on friday so is stressing

Which leaves me and PJ holding the fort -hmmmmmmmmmmm?

Kal

How did it get to be December?

I'm not ready yet - for December let alone Christmas! Actually I'm chilled about Christmas at the moment, I've started shopping, in fact am reasonably well organised, and as I refuse to start shopping too early I'm quite happy about where I am. Its December I'm not ready for, in fact I think we should be in early November - did I miss a whole month? Its just that all of a sudden its time for the busyness of Carol services and Christingles and when to put the decorations up and and and...................

But Christmas is fine :)

In other news I love working 4 days, even if they are long ones. I think its probably what is keeping me sane at the moment - I now have 3 very very complex cases, and 3 more that are just very complex, all vying for my time. And I cant fix any of the the very verys, which frustrates me, as I feel that I am letting the families down, but I am only human, and am doing my job to the best of my ability, and I trust God with all the rest. If you read my blog regularly you'll know that for me to be in this place is a huge thing. I do have to remind myself that this doesn't mean I'm doing any less for anyone, or that I care any less, rather that I'm just not putting the expectation on myself that its my job to fix it all - I'm letting God be God.
Mind you if He has a master plan that includes a different job I'd love Him to let me know :)

PJ now has a job pool life guarding one evening a week, he's had a mad phase of induction but it should settle down now. He also has 3 uni offers already, including his first choice, so is very happy.

Sarah is full of a cold but managing to keep going, oh and most importantly managed to stay a night in Oxford!!!!!!!!

Paul and I had a nice couple of days, shopping and time together, spent lots of money but hey!

That's all for now

Kal

:(

I need to blog about a work situation which means this is probably not going to make much sense as I need to avoid saying anything that identifies the situation.

A family I work with asked me to attend a meeting with them today. As you know I don't work fridays anymore, but I went to this meeting, and although it took over 3 hours of my day (there and back) I'm glad I went. They are facing the saddest situation ever, after an awful set of circumstances. I didn't do anything today except be there, but I hope that helped. I have some of the things they said, and some pictures from it all stuck in my head at the moment (hence why I'm blogging - I need to let them go). My heart is heavy for them, I'm sad and I'm shattered, but I'll be ok, I'm not sure they will be.............

But in His amazing way, on my way out, just as I was beginning to let myself think and absorb all that had happened, I looked up and saw the chaplain, a lovely man, who I've worked with in the past, and who now goes to our church. he said hello, and I said, do you have a moment? God knew, before I did, that I needed a little bit of space before driving home, to process some of the stuff, to cry a little...........

And now I've had a takeaway and am about to open some wine, whilst praying for this family, knowing that only God can hold them safe. Pray with me?

Kal

blogging to India!

Hannah mostly only has access to internet once a week, and whilst I'm not sure if she gets chance to access all our blogs, I realised tonight that if I blog today it makes the most of the chance that she will be able to see this :)

Life is mainly back to normal, all of us are well, all of us are busy. Work is not so good this week, lots and lots of politics, getting in the way of what needs to be done, or what I think needs to be done, which may or may not be the same thing. Sometimes I long for an easy job, and yes I know I'd be bored and frustrated, but there's no harm in the occasional dream...........

We've booked onto New Wine for next year which is really good, I love New Wine, I love the unadulterated quality time with God, having left the distractions of work and everydayness behind, I love our community, I wouldn't go as far as saying I love camping but I'm happy to put up worth it.

Interestingly the sermon on sunday evening touched on being in the world but not caught up with the distractions of it. I'm not managing to be as focused as I was when I first returned after being off, but I am letting go of work at the end of the day, and I am remembering that I cant fix many things, its not my job, God is the only one who can fix everything.

One more day of work then a day off, supper with friends which I am really really looking forward to, and then the weekend :D

Kal

Stuck for a title

I've been thinking for a few days that I should blog but wasn't sure what to blog about. I'm fully over my flu/sinusitis which is good, half term flew by, PJ was busy on his life guarding course (and passed so is qualified - now has to get some work!), Sarah and Paul didn't stop, I had a couple of days off. I got a parking ticket because I made a silly mistake. Stuff, but not enough to blog about.
But I was just reading a blog I follow and it sort of pulled together some thoughts in my head and I decided they probably were worthy of a blog, so here they are.
These last few days I've had a series of moments where I have been reminded how special the kids I work with are, how amazing their families are, how rubbish the stuff they have to deal with sometimes is. One particular family is quite articulate about the fact that they aren't amazing but I disagree - you see the thing they have in common is that they just get on with stuff, do their best, treasure the small things (to pinch a phrase the 'inchstones') and shoulder the bad stuff. They do their best, even when that means saying I need help to do this, or I cant do this anymore. The more I work with these families the more I learn that what is right for an individual family can only be defined within the context of that family, there are no generalisations (or is that a generalisation?!) you cannot expect what worked for one family to work for another, predict how anyone will cope, or judge anyone for how they cope. What you can do is walk alongside them, listen to them, and, if they want it, speak out for them.
And if you're lucky you get to share a moment painting a lantern.
Its not the right phrase, because I don't claim any of the enormity of what He did or is, but sometimes my job is like a crown of thorns - it is an amazing honour and responsibility (the crown bit) it has beautiful gems in it (crown again) but sometimes it hurts or is horrible. Today I'm seeing some of the gems so I guess I'll keep the crown for now (but will probably wish I could change it tomorrow).

Not sure if any of that makes sense, and I really really hope I haven't offended anyone

Kal

Nearly.............

better that is - I have a sick note that says 'sinusitis secondary to probably swine flu'! Whatever it was it was horrible and wiped me out for the last 2 weeks - my temp is almost normal - mid 37s, I'm still coughing and sneezing a bit (and have a sore neck - PJ claims its whiplash from all the coughing :S), I felt light headed after walking down to town this am, but I am much better.
I'm going to try a bit of work tomorrow, probably from home, so we'll see.
Its the first time I've had real flu, and it wasn't classic, but it was significantly more than a cold. Now I have to find out if I still should have the flu jabs or not.........
As you can imagine I haven't been up to much else - Hannah left as I started with this - really glad to say she didn't get it, nor did anyone else (Sarah, PJ and Val S got colds but not this). Pj is working really hard at coping without her, and doing ok, he's started a lifeguard training course today which will take up all of his halfterm (which is useful in itself) and hopefully give him the means of earning money).
Sarah is working hard at Uni - I'm really proud of how organised and motivated she is - and loving it.
We went to Trowbridge on friday for the internment of Paul's dad's ashes (in Linda's grave), its was ok, very brief, and then we went to the house, and said goodbye. All ok.
So hopefully normal service will now be resumed :)

Unclean, unclean..................

Well - the National Pandemic Flue website says its flu but then they will for any 2 cold symptoms and a high temp :( Whatever it is I feel rough and am fed up wit it all - I've had 'it' for nearly a week - temp ranges from 39 deg C to 37.7 (admittedly dosed on paracetamol) - I've had a sore throat, achy, sneezing, coughing and for the last few days completely bunged up - this is almost the worst as sleeping is so difficult. Sorry this is such a moan - am just SO fed up with feeling rubbish - we had to cancel going out for a meal for my mum's birthday, Val and Ivor have been here and I've been rubbish, I forced myself to the craft fair (to try and find a present for my mum) but I was probably being daft :(
Tomorrow if my temp is still up I will have to ring the doctor as I will need a sick note - any chances of a miracle cure????

My job

I have my appraisal on monday and as I prepare for it, and now I've been back 5 weeks or so, I'm contemplating what bits I like, those I don't, what I'm good at, and what I'm not!
I like working with children, families, and colleagues, coming up with solutions that make life easier for the families. Sometimes its big things, sometimes small. I'm good at this, working with people, listening, understanding, supporting, challenging. I have the authority that money brings to make some changes.
I don't like conflict, politics, arguing about what's right based on what can be afforded. I don't like jobsworth people.
I'm not good at conflict, or detail
Not sure how I convert this to an appraisal!
I am using much better strategies to manage the stuff I don't like - I have a habit of carrying things that I cannot solve, but I'm getting better.
I'm about to trial working 4 long days and having a day off to see if it works
My ideal job would have all the family contact, and authority but not the conflict or politics - not sure that's possible!
What I do know is that God has a plan :D

On a very different note - Hannah is about to go away to Delhi- she and Pj need so many prayers for these coming days, weeks and months................

Kal

Memories

We spent yesterday in Trowbridge helping sort and clear Paul's parents house. We need to sell it to pay his mum's nursing home fees, cos that's how the system works these days - I don't agree with it but I won't rant about it here. Paul, Val and Graham had spent most of friday going through the stuff with sentimental value so we were doing the sorting through the rest, creating piles for the tip, or the charity shop, or for house clearance. The guys did a lot of runs to the tip.........and there are piles and piles of stuff for the charity shops - all Paul's dad's clothes, and stuff too good to throw but we won't get any money for (vases and plates, tupperware, bedding etc). The kids got some stuff for their uni lives (patio furniture/irons and so on) and PJ made a few finds on rowing stuff - a special link he and his grandpa had. I think we all found something that held a special memory for each of us.

Bagging up Paul's dads clothes was hard - Sarah and I seized a moment when Val was busy elsewhere and just did it...........

And packing up some of Paul's mum's stuff - cos there's a limit to what its worth taking to the nursing home, especially as she seems to have limited awareness of it all - in a conversation she will say something that makes sense and stuff that doesn't - we really aren't sure how aware she is most of the time - but it seems to make it easier for her to be in the home, whilst harder for us, as we've lost her before she's gone.

So many losses - I was ok until we got in the car to leave, and it hit me that I may not ever go to the house again. I have known and loved the family that lived there for 30 years, 2/3rds of my life, I have so many happy memories, and its the end of an era.

Actually we've decided we'll all go back, when its cleared, and say goodbye together, pray round the house, and then weep!

But we need it to be done and sorted, particularly Val and Ivor.............

Normal life?

Its interesting, settling back into normal, everyday life..........for a start I'm not sure if such a thing exists but...........the huge spector of Paul's dad's death is gone, his mum is being well looked after and her health, whilst deteriorating in some aspects, is fairly stable. Our anniversary is over, our holiday is over, the wedding is over. I was worried that we'd/I'd hit a down phase. But its ok.

Work is ok, I'm being much more careful about what I say yes to, and as a result saying no to stuff. I'm not beating myself up for not getting stuff done. I think I'm managing to do most things ok, and there's some stuff on the horizon that excites me.

Paul has been tired and stressed this week - I hope its because today and tomorrow the family are clearing the house - but we've been talking and praying about it and he's aware of what's going on.

Sarah has been frantically busy with freshers week, is exhausted but has had a great time, and the course restarts next week - she's good :)

PJ has settled back into school, is enjoying being a prefect, seems to be working hard, is loving the independence of driving, and is counting down to seeing Hannah (7 days). I'm impressed by how he's handled it so far - he has missed her like mad, and he's been sad, and quiet, but he's motivated, and committed to supporting her, and getting on with everyday life. Obviously the next bit - Delhi - will be harder - but they'll be ok.

And I feel calmer, much more peaceful, I'm managing to stay focused on God, and looking to Him for my direction, and wisdom, and balance, rather than following my own instincts and rushing in all over the place.

So normal, ordinary, everyday life is good - thank you Lord :D

Kal

The first week home, and a lovely wedding

Can you believe we've been back a whole week! Part of me can't believe it - I can still see those blue skies, and beautiful sea, the lovely people and the relaxing pace of life :) And I'm working hard at not being consumed by every day work, at thinking twice, three times before saying yes to things. I know its going to be hard to maintain but I will try.

The other big thing is remembering that I'm not in charge, God is. Its not my job to fix everything - there may be some things He invites me to be part of fixing, but its not the other way round.

So, in other news............PJ passed his driving test today, and was made school prefect. He did a really good job at the wedding of taking photos, and he's making a real effort not to be overwhelmed by missing Hannah. Sarah was a beautiful, gorgeous, and excellent bridesmaid. I think she's had a better week, she coped well whilst we were away.

That's another thing God's shown me - the devil lies to us all the time but we need to remember we are not judged by the world's values - can we work every hour of the day, fix every problem, stay at a strange house, how well we pass exams etc - but by our relationship with God, and our walk with Him.

The wedding was fun, only hiccup was Shelby being sick over her grandma but she did wait until the evening! The rest of the day was lovely, Ruth just didn't stop smiling and the sun didn't stop shining - enjoy the photos!

Kal x

We're back...............

A long but uneventful flight home. Still like business but strangely it had lost some wow after the amazing luxury of the hotel :)
Its very good to be home, very very good to see the kids. Hannah has of course gone, which means PJ is very understandably sad, sad, sad. Lots of prayers and hugs are all I can offer him - I think its good that he's back to school today - back for his last ever year of school. UCAS and all that stuff...............it will fly I'm sure as time always does. Sarah (and PJ) have done a great job of keeping the house going, no disasters I'm pleased to say.
I hope to have some photos of the holiday up later - My mind keeps drifting back to some of the special things................I think I've written about most of them except the special anniversary meal they did for us on our last night. I was slightly concerned that the holiday might not live up to the amazing expectations we had of it - it has kept us going through so much this year. But it didn't disappoint in anyway (well other than Paul being sick but that wasn't the holidays fault). I am sad that its over though but I guess that's good.
And so to work and normal life - not sure I'm ready :(

last day in Mauritius..........

baring unforeseen circumstances this time tomorrow we'll be well on our way home.

I'm ready - its been lovely, lovely, lovely, but I miss my home and my family and tomorrow I will be there rather than here.

But I will remember very fondly the almost never ending blue sea and sky (we have had some rain) the beauty and the peace. And I am very grateful for this time, very grateful.

We need to remember to give ourselves time to stop on a regular basis - recognising that we wont be able to afford this kind of luxury again for a long time, but it didn't need the luxury (although I wouldn't have missed it) what we needed was the time and the space, with no jobs, and no schedules, just time.

Oh and I have just had the best cappuchinno ever :)

Next planned blog will be from home :D

Mauritius................

is a complex mix of french, english, african, and indian. A lot of indian, and a lot of Hindu (52% of the 1.2m pop). But english is the official language, spoken with a heavy french accent (which is the language the speak at home - with a creole twist). They are an amazing people - polite and kind - even the 'hawkers' the street/beach sellers - are polite - they don't pester at all! But there's more - they are intelligent and thoughtful and humorous. In many ways they are what makes this place so special.
The tour was interesting - sugar cane is there largest industry - they make sugar (obviously) but also use the leaves to thatch the roofs and the waste to make 35% of their energy. I could bore you with more facts but suffice to say it was good to see something of the island and get a glimpse of this complex place.
In 48 hours we will be on our way home - it feels timely :)

kal

A quiet day

Paul has been feeling rough, upset stomach and washed out - its how I was feeling sunday - but I'd assumed it was a combination of rich food and too much sun but maybe it wasn't - so we've had a quiet day, reading, sunbathing (well me at least) and lots of chilling.
Its a hard life :)
Tomorrow we're going to explore the island..............
Kal x

A place so special its hard to describe

We spent today on a catamaran trip - it was truly amazing, and on the way back I was thinking what I could blog about and, although I am obviously managing to a certain extent, its hard to put it into words...............

Warmth , and sunshine, that reaches your spirit..............it doesn't even get cold at night, down to about 20 degrees! (which is ok cos we have air con in our room) but also means that in the evenings, which start early cos the sun sets at 6.30 (its winter..........) you barely need a cardigan

Peace and quiet and relaxation - I think I've said that initially it was hard to unwind, that we couldn't remember the last time we had stopped, well I'm now completely relaxed, and resting.
The beauty of this place is awesome, and reminds me to thank my heavenly father for everything

The people are amazing, gracious, generous and ultra polite. Initially the butler bit felt awkward, I'm not used to being waited on (you may be surprised to hear!!!) but whilst I'm not taking it for granted, I am feeling cherished.

I am of course missing the kids, and I know that Sarah is struggling a bit, but I'm impressed with how she is coping, and grateful to all my friends who are there for her. I know that PJ and Hannah are also having a different week, as its their last week together for a while. I also know there's stuff with my dad. But I know that God is holding it all, and has given us this time of refreshment, so I'll make the most of it and will be back to reality all too soon :D

Kal x

It even rains in paradise............

Well we woke up to a shower! But its still hot and its meant to pass over very soon and it is winter here :) Actually its nice to have a quiet day - we were booked to go on a catamaran trip today but they've postponed it until tomorrow as its raining on the other side of the island (where the cruise goes) even more. So I'll just have to have a pedicure instead!!!!
I cant believe we're almost halfway already, we knew it'd fly by, but tomorrow is half way.......I know feel so chilled and relaxed its lovely.
More later :)
Kal

Luxury is.................

Breakfast where there is a chef to cook eggs, any type you'd like, another to tailor make your freshly squeezed fruit juice, another making crepes, every type of fresh fruit, cereal, pastries etc etc that you could imagine.
Or at supper, when your stomach's rebelling over the rich food - they'll make something special - you just have to ask.
Or - sleeping 11 hours straight, waking up to peace and quiet and dark, thinking it must be very early but discovering its 9.30!!!
Or - being offered fresh fruit as you lie on your sun lounger (iced lollies in the afternoon)
Its taken until now to begin to feel anything other than shattered - Paul and I were trying to remember the last time we stopped, and we cant......... I think it caught up with us as we've been absolutely shattered but today (after that mammoth sleep) I feel almost human. And we still have a week to go :)
It is odd being without S&P, looking at all the stuff they'd love, wondering what they are doing back home, but its good to just be us two too.............

Kal

Mauritius

Its day 2 here, so much to say and I don't know where to start!!!!
Firstly we don't have internet access other than in a room with a fixed pc so I don't have as much access as I thought and my phone isn't working. Paul's is though so I am reachable through that.
But that's the only negative :D
Flying business was fantastic - waited on hand and foot, great food, copious amounts of alcohol, and so much leg room I could reach the magazines in the foot stool when sat upright! The flight was delayed because of break problems but we got here fine
The hotel is everything I hoped it would be - really really beautiful. The temp is about 25 degrees, nice gentle breeze (and this is winter!!!)
Went to one of the restaurants last night and tried the local cuisines and the set menu - so much food I am suffering slightly today! After 8 months of dieting my system is complaining of all the rich food, and just a little alcohol :)
Well I'm off to lie on the beach - its a hard life..........

Kal

25 years...............

So today is our actual anniversary :D
I'd like to say I am very blessed. Paul is my best friend and my 'soul mate', he is my other half. Yes he annoys me at times, yes we argue, yes we disagree (and sometimes on fairly major stuff). But we love each other and believe that marriage is for life. It is a life times work, and I'm grateful for the 25 years of marriage we've had, for the 5 years we had before it, and for the many (I hope) years ahead of us.
We had a great party, we've renewed our vows (don't worry if you missed it - it was VERY private) and in 3 days we fly to Mauritius for a lovely lovely holiday.
Did I say how blessed I am?

Kal

More reasons to celebrate.............

As in exam results! PJ got AAAB at As level (well maths was a full blown A level) and Hannah got BBC and now has a confirmed place at Southampton :)
It's been weird this year, with all that's been going on, I'd sort of, almost forgotten results were due, well until last night - didn't sleep well and was awake early. But all is well. In this I am ignoring the fact that Hannah would have liked to have done even better, cos I think she needs to be enormously proud of herself and remember that God knows what he's doing.
I'm not ignoring the fact that I have other friends who got less than they'd hoped for and it impacts on their choices. The results were still good. And i hope they can see how God can use this - because nothing is random in God's world.
In other news................8 days until Mauritius, one more day of work, a couple of parties, holiday club, an actual anniversary, last minute prep stuff, and then 10 glorious days of sunshine and sand. I can hardly believe its so close :D

Reasons to celebrate..............

My mum and dad have been married for 50 years (as of yesterday) and we will have been married for 25 years on the 25th. More than enough reasons to celebrate - it feels like a huge achievement these days. And boy did we celebrate. 40 ish guests for a BBQ in our garden, family and friends, young and old. Good food, good wine, good fun. Of course there was the inevitable last minute panic when stuff wasn't as ready as I'd planned but it all came together in the end and it must have been good because Graham, Paul's older brother, fell asleep, fulfilling his role as the elder of the clan, taking on his father's mantle (it wasn't a good party if George didn't go to sleep!!!)

Some lovely presents too - although it wasn't about gifts, it was about presence, talking of which there were a few friends missing (and you were missed).

And now its 12 days until Mauritius :D

Kal

Back...................

Obviously we've been away, which means that quite a lot has happened - not sure if I can do it all justice :S

Hannah passed her driving test - hooray! Very much deserved and today she is driving home her very own car - but I'll let her tell her own story.

The funeral day - brief but good service at the crem - I don't like them particularly as they seem like conveyor belts, but this one didn't, nice short service but very hard as they shut the curtains - it felt too fast................ then we went back to the church, got Costa coffee, hung out reminiscing, had lunch, then the main thanksgiving service. We think there were about 175 people there - it was a lovely, special service, followed by a nice 'tea', Paul's mum seemed to cope well. But exhausting. Then the family went back to Val's, had takeaway and alcohol, in varying amounts, Paul and Graham (but mainly Graham) keeping up their dad's tradition of drinking a lot!

Saturday am, we got up to get ready for New Wine, to get a phone call that Paul's mum had had a fit, and did she need to go to hospital? She did, and is still there - low sodium levels, variable levels of confusion, ?infection etc etc. We collectively decided that she shouldn't go home, but should be moved to a nursing home. The family cannot cope with the strain any longer.

New Wine - its always difficult to describe - rain and mud of course, time with good friends, making new friends, watching and experiencing God at work. James and Lynn had an amazing time, and had Beth baptised whist we were there - it was very very special. For me the week was about resting in God's love, drawing near to his heart. There were a few things of confirmation, focusing previous thoughts, but mainly being refreshed - which feels odd as I am physically tired (I just don't sleep well in a tent on a noisy campsite!). I'll let Paul's tell his own story!

So we're back, our anniversary party is on saturday so I need to prep that, and then Holiday Club, and Mauritius (18 days :D )

Kal x

Limbo (sorry sarah I copied!)

I agree with Sarah - this week feels like limbo - waiting for the funeral whilst getting ready for New Wine. I'm not ready - and we have to be by tonight as we go to Trowbridge for the funeral early tomorrow and go to New Wine from there!!

I am feeling cushioned/upheld/blessed by the prayers of friends and by God, and I am so looking forward to New Wine.

Will blog when I get back...........

Kal

A beautiful end............

Yes - this phase is over.

The final twist came with an infection that didn't respond to treatment, a decision not to think about trying anything else, and a transfer to the local hospice - Dorothy House, with a probable day or two prognosis (this was monday)

Paul and I visited on tuesday - his dad was struggling but could still speak a bit, and could type when he couldn't. Wednesday morning brought the call that he had had a marked deterioration and we decided to go over as a foursome.

We then had an amazing, unexpected day.

Graham, Paul's brother, had managed to get their mum over to visit, a major feat as she is wheelchair bound and very frail. We all arrived at the same time. Paul's dad recognised her, and all of us. They had some time together, and Paul's mum said goodbye, as she was wheeled out of the room, he managed to raise his hand to wave goodbye.

Sarah and Peter had some time with him too but very shortly he lapsed into unconsciousness and never roused again.

We then spent the next 9 or so hours taking it in turns to sit with him. We were 8 by then, Val, Ivor, Phil, Ruth (their children) and us. Graham spent the day with their mum but joined us about 9. When we weren't in with him we sat in the chapel

This is the chapel http://www.dorothyhouse.co.uk/aboutus.asp from the outside looking in but it doesn't do it justice. The views are amazing, you can see how big the windows are, we were surrounded by the reminder of God's awesome creation. We laughed, we were sad, we had fish and chips (not in the chapel!) we drank gallons of tea. As evening turned to night none of us could face leaving, not knowing how long we had. So the staff opened up guest bedrooms, collected easy chairs, made more tea, and generally supported us (we were the only relatives in the place - other patients in for respite).

Sarah and I had just gone for a lie down, with some of the others next door in the lounge, when we heard running, and Ruth barged in saying he had stopped breathing. We all ran down to his room, and he, generously, took two further breaths, each minutes/moments apart, and then slipped away, with all 9 or us there - so so precious. We each said our goodbyes and did whatever we needed.

We ended up staying another few hours, as one of Graham's sons and daughter in law hadn't made it to us from their holiday but were on their way. We drank more tea, ate toast (freshly buttered toast - truly divine), and then, shortly after they arrived, had a chance to see him, had a few moments, we all left.

A very few hours sleep later we began the process of funerals. We are all exhausted but strangely calm - yesterday was so special its almost unbelievable. For all my complaining, and begging for it to be over - God's timing was perfect - why do I ever doubt it? (partly because He has more confidence in what I/we can cope with than I do!!!)

So thank you all for your love and prayers, we couldn't have got this far without them, and we still have some tough times ahead, so please keep praying

Love

Kal

ups and downs

Although I'm not sure which are which!

Its been a very quiet week here - not all bad - have rested lots, and chatted to Hannah, and drunk lots of coffee

S&P are having a great time and will be home the day after tomorrow

Paul's dad, has, once again, recovered enough that he is not ill enough for the hospice (they only take them when they are in their last few days). This means we are looking at weeks, but don't know how many, and its 6 to Mauritius, and 8 (and a bit) to Ruth and Dean's wedding.

An up is a good conversation with my manager, and then today with Occupational Health. I am going back to work on monday, but only for 3 hours a day, for the whole 4 weeks I have to work between now and when we return from Mauritius. Although part of me ( quite a big part) would like to stay off work - I know this isn't possible, so 3 hours a day, mainly focusing on patients, is good :)

And I've started seeing a lovely lady from church, as a spiritual director.

And remembering that God is in charge

Love
Kal

Sshhhhhhhh...............

This post is mainly for my children!

Life is surprisingly uneventful! Grandpa is still in hospital, quite confused, but otherwise stable. Don't know yet when they might discharge him, or where to, we are hoping he can go to the hospice.

We had a tea for New Wine people yesterday which got me really excited - there seem to be lots of people coming so it should be awesome.

Today I have a nice quiet day, wander into town, have a coffee, pick up some bread for lunch, do the washing type day :)

Am missing them, but am really glad they are having such an awesome time, PJ canoeing - why am I not surprised! Sarah on the deck with a margarita - ditto :D Angie you are looking really good.

PJ - I'll catch up with Hannah and check she is ok (Hannah expect a text!)

Love

Kal

A rainy day.............

Not cold, but a bit showery turning into constant rain - which is a real shame for the primary school just round the corner from us who are celebrating their 50th anniversary. This is the school S&P went to, but as they're away we didn't bother going, and considering the rain, I'm glad we didn't!

So my beautiful two are in America, hopefully having a fab time. We are just plodding away, doing jobs, getting ready for New Wine, and our holiday. All is quiet on the Trowbridge front and long may it continue.

Next week I start talking to folk about when and how I go back to work - not in a rush, I like this at home lark - slightly more seriously, given the total unpredictability, I can manage when I don't have to do work too. Well we'll see...............

Kal

a quick update

Paul's dad is much better - this wasn't it!

We are relieved and knackered, and tomorrow is another day - the day S&PJ go to America without this hanging over them

Off for (I hope) a good nights sleep..................

Kal

Are we there yet?

Although I don't know if I'm ready (can you ever be?) or if I want to be there...........
Paul's dad was rushed into hospital yesterday evening with a very low heart beat, possibly complete heart block - it explains some of the symptoms he's been having. We had to make decisions about how much intervention we wanted for him. There was complete agreement on no invasive stuff. And he's survived the night.................and I don't know where this leaves us - hours, days? Its very hard to imagine weeks after this.
And Sarah and PJ go to America tomorrow - they are still planning to go - but it will be so hard for them.
And not surprisingly I hardly slept last night so am shattered but really glad that Paul came home
Angie - if you get to read this in Ottawa - I'll ring Colin with an update this evening so that you are up to date.

Juggling too many balls..............

So my lovely husband is home (albeit physically rather than mentally!) and I've decided I cant manage to juggle everything anymore.

I think I'd put so much energy into keeping it altogether whilst Paul was away, and the realisation that he was back, and it wasn't over, hit me. The focus of this is that I struggle to cope with people asking me questions, I get scared, I think, that I'm going to get upset with them. I'm fine with my family, and close friends, but not colleagues, or acquaintances. Which means work, and the church congregation. Coupled with the fact that work has become a less secure place in general, so my panic there was greater (more to lose if i 'lost' it?). Anyway - I spoke out loud the words 'I'm struggling' and within a couple of hours I was home, and now I'm signed off sick for two weeks. Its giving me a lovely break - what I'm not sure about yet is whether its enough, or whether I need to see a counsellor?

The trouble, obviously, is not knowing how long this will go on for - how long before Paul's dad dies?

I am ok, I got out in time, I'm loving being at home, but am aware its not forever, and doesn't change anything, so what will - hmmmm............................will let you know when I work it out!

A mixture...................

I haven't decided what to name this blog yet! Hopefully I'll be inspired by the end!

Its been a mix of highs and lows these last couple of days...............

Hannah didn't pass her test, and I so feel for her, she wants it for all the right reasons, and is more than capable of passing, I think she was trying so hard she ended up being too cautious - but -as she has said, 3rd time lucky! I know that she will not be defeated - three peaks showed that. Its strange really, that I chose to blog about Hannah first. Somewhere, somehow, Hannah has snucked into my heart, she is gorgeous and awesome, and so great with PJ, and I love her and thank God that she's in our lives.

We went and saw 'My sisters keeper' night - it was really well done - even if they did change the ending - it worked, but for those of us who have read the book (about 5 times!) it felt weird.

My day in Trowbridge was a mixture of sad and happy times. Just driving over I was feeling sad - each time I wonder if it will be the last time I see one of them, and of course that makes me sad. They were ok, thinner, weaker, anxious, but ok. I tweaked a few bits, chatted a bit, and left to spend the rest of the day with Val and Ivor, and a bit with Shelby and Ruth. I really enjoyed seeing Shelby without Sarah, cos I dont get a look in when Sarah is there :) My reason for going over was to try and give some moral support to Val. It was lovely, as ever, to see them, and I hope it helped.

Since then I've spoken to Graham, and he is hopefully going to go over for a few days to give Val a break.

And I've spoken to Paul, who is up to his eyes in exams and labs and things, but tomorrow starts his journey home, definitely good news :D

And now its building up to a thunder storm............

Kal

Enough...........

Driving - Loughborough is a reasonable haul but a nice Uni

Sunshine - as in all day - I do so love it!

Children - all day with my lovely twosome :)

Driving (again) - out with Pj - he's really coming on!

Friends - off to see them now..........................

Kal x

What a difference some sunshine makes :)

Today has been a beautiful day full of sunshine :) At lunch Joy came over and we walked down Cowley Road and had lunch at Costa's - we've promised ourselves somewhere posher next time but we didn't have that much time - but we did have time to walk up and down the road, browsing the shops, enjoying the sunshine. As I said goodbye to Joy I was mindful that even when God chooses not to intervene (ie take away all the grief stuff) He sends us comforters, Joy is one of many friends (and family) who have really been there for me these last few weeks, I hope you all know who you are and how precious your love, support and prayers are to me.

On a totally different note I had my jabs for my holiday today!!!!!! So I will shortly have sore arms but will also be covered for typhoid and hep A, and boosted for diphtheria, tetanus and polio!!!!!! And Mauritius is 'low' risk :S

Finally.......................6 days til my hubby comes home :D

Not enough..........

As my husband blogged about 'too much everything' http://spikesalterego.blogspot.com/ and as this was where my head is, it seemed an appropriate title!

Not enough sleep.............my own fault, I didn't sleep properly until they were all back from Wales, so I'm tired

Not enough energy ..........to cope with kind people asking kind questions about how I am/my family is/ Paul's dad is. I cant cope with the questions, I don't want to talk about it other than with my nearest and dearest. This makes me wonder what is ok? I think 'Hi, how are you doing?' is probably enough, I'll either do 'ok' which means don't want to talk about it or I'll expand. I guess I should explain this to people !

Not enough happiness ..............which means I'm feeling sad today, probably because I'm tired but also because I don't want Paul's dad to be suffering and I'm not convinced they've got his symptoms managed properly

Not enough work..........I'm supposed to be working at the moment ;) better get back to it.

Kal

clinical supervision aka counselling

We have regular clinical supervision at work, with a fab lady who is a trained counsellor, but was a Health Visitor, so understands the world we work in. Mainly she does group or individual sessions relating to work issues (not surprisingly) and with Joy and I does a fair amount of coaching. Before she went on holiday Joy told me I should go and see her, but I'd ducked it because I was doing my own version of avoiding facing stuff (with exceptions like last friday), but then she rang me about something else and I ended up going to visit her today.

I was nervous when I arrived - I didn't want to spend an hour crying, not because its wrong to cry, but because I had to go on to a meeting, and I've learnt that when I start I don't stop for a while.

But I didn't - I did well up a few times, but came away with some things sorted out in my head.....

I have as much right to grieve as anyone (contrary to the lie that had been going round in my head)

I am amazingly lucky to have had them in my life, they have each given me something that my own parents were unable to give me. I am and will miss these things but isn't God awesome that He gave them to me at all!

And isn't it great to know that He can compensate for my failings with my kids (and S&P - I am sorry for all the hangups I have handed on to you)

And we talked about Paul being away. I don't regret it - I could have asked him not to go, but it didn't feel right, and it is hard without him, but it'd would still be hard with him too, and God is with us both.

So I'm glad I went, and I booked another session :)

Cars!

As you will probably know PJ turned 17, 20 days ago. He had a double driving lesson on his birthday, and has had one more since. But...............in true family tradition he has been for a drive every single day. I reckon thats about 15 hours driving at least! We've just got back from a drive to Faringdon and back. He's doing really well, its interesting, initially he struggled with the clutch on Sarah's car (which she is very very kindly allowing him to drive), and stalled a lot, but he's really doing well now :)

Another count is that Paul has been away for 11 days (2 weekends) and will be away for another 13 days (and 2 more weekends). So we're not half way yet.................

Kal x

A new week...............

Today had lots of good stuff

• Sarah got her results - and she did really well - A, B+, B and an ungraded pass (pass/fail and fail you're off the course)
• PJ finished his exams
• We went for a drive and he did really well (including managing to avoid the car trying to overtake coming the other way)
• The sun shone some, (when we weren't having thunder and lightening!)

But................I'm exhausted, we're exhausted, Sarah and I are feeling flat, she is tearful, PJ is quiet, I cant really be bothered with work but am trying to maintain stuff - I have a very supportive manager but I don't know how long this will last and I don't want to use up all their good will too early. And it feels as though we should be half way through Paul being away (we've done 2 weekends after all) but we still have two whole weeks to go 'sigh'. Not sure if the bank balance can cope - I'm avoiding comfort eating/drinking but comfort shopping instead (blushes shamefully!)

And whilst writing this I am having a conversation with my nephew about his grandpa's life expectancy - this is one of the hard things - the family expect me to know everything.

I think I'm mainly tired - there have been some really good bits to today

A relaxing day :)

Yesterday, as you will have gathered, was emotional and exhausting. I ended up weeping loads, I hadn't really cried at all, and it had to happen, and once I'd started, it took a while to stop.

Today was a much more normal, relaxing day. Yes the jobs still got done, but I also had a costa coffee with my daughter, took PJ for a drive, received some lovely flowers from my husband (and spoke to him briefly as he woke up), sat in the garden, reading my book, and began to teach Hannah Mahjong.

I feel much more relaxed and begin to feel refreshed, and grateful for a days respite. Thank you all for your prayers and love and hugs.

Kal x

How do I describe today?

Cos I don't know?

Today I pulled PJ out of school and the three of us went over to Trowbridge. Now the definitive 2-3 weeks has been retracted somewhat, to be replaced with a 'we cant possibly predict' but they still deemed taking the grandkids to say 'goodbye' to be a good plan - so I dont think the timescales have changed enormously. So we went............

Paul's dad was looking slightly better than I'd feared, his second lung is, apparently, staying glued up, and they may take the drain out, but he had the carer up 3 times last night because of pain (mainly, I hope because they had him on a stupid amount of pain relief -60mg codeine/1g paracetamol, and 10mg oramorph -for the nurses reading this). I'm pleased to say the morphine has been doubled, and is prn, 2-4 hourly, but personally I'd have had him on 30mg to start, we'll see. He also has a pressure sore on his sacrum (we'd have been shot in my day! )

Paul's mum was okish, not yet seen the neurologist, with it at times, very tired and teary. The live in carer is amazing.

The kids are ok, it nearly broke my heart to hear PJ say 'bye' 'I love you' to them both. His time to visit is much more limited but we all knew we may not see one or both of them again this side of heaven. I have been so very blessed to have these amazing people as my in-laws, I love them both.

We then had lunch with Val, Ivor, Ruth and Shelby, which was lovely.

So that was today- I think its time to open some wine....................

Rollercoasters

I've never liked them, I always offer to be the one who stays at the bottom, holding the bags, or looking after the child too small to go on them.............but when it comes to life you don't seem to get that option.

Yesterday Paul's dad made it come from hospital - a leveling out I hoped, realising it probably wouldn't be for long, not suspecting or anticipating the phonecall this morning from Val, to say that his mum was ill, and being rushed into hospital again. Several hours later and she seems to be ok, may be something they can treat, but I'm with my daughter, I'd rather not do this anymore - if only. But on a day when both my children have cried, its oh so very hard.

I will hang on to the verse I'd sought out for Sarah as an idea to paint in the study, a real favourite but it never grows old - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11 I will believe that He has a plan that will not harm us, but that will give us hope, and a future.

We are ok Paul, love you

And anyone else reading, thank you - your prayers are literally holding us up

Kal x

blogging!

Shocking news - my husband has a blog! He's decided that its the only way we will stay in touch during his 3 weeks in Seattle - and he's blogging several times a day, which means I have to think about how I respond! Now I'm not going to try and match him, but I will try and blog some more so that he knows how we are getting on (and just in case anyone else is interested :) )
So................
Paul - your dad made it home today - I don't know anymore but its a huge achievement - he did not want to die in hospital. We are aware that he/we may not be able to maintain home, but the hospice is our back up, and my biggest prayer is that nothing happens to cause him to have to go back to hospital. I'm worried about Val though - the District Nurses are being slow to respond which puts a lot on Val. We're going over on friday though so we can see for ourselves how they are getting on.

Work is ok - I've 'moved' to my new office, and we've got it set up nicely. I'm having to be organised though, cos I'm working from both offices, and trying to be home a bit more, so carrying stuff around more (I feel a new bag coming on!!!), Still lots of changes I don't like but having all this going on with Paul's folk sure gives you perspective.

Sarah has been busy decorating the study - its not finished but is looking good so far.
PJ's study leave is over, but he still has 3 more exams, he's hovering as I write this wanting to go driving - next lesson tomorrow - I think his instructor will see a big difference :) He'll be all done by monday, which is the day Sarah gets her results - we're celebrating on tuesday.

Oh, and I have lovely new curtains in my bedroom, thanks to my amazing mum, who made them for me.

Ok, off for a drive.................

Kal x

Sad times..........

Like Sarah I've been avoiding blogging because I don't know how to write this one. After 18 months of waiting and anticipating this time it would seem that Paul's dad is in the last few weeks of his life.................he's still in hospital, still has one chest drain, but they are working hard to get him home to die. I veer between not believing it and getting to the verge of overwhelming sorrow, then pull myself back - I'm not allowing myself the space to grieve - not yet...........
Paul is in the States - for 3 weeks, so it feels as though the next few weeks are going to be tough. But I know God is with me - Church was tough because lots of lovely people kept asking how we all were - which meant I had to repeat the story - which was very hard work - and there was a moment when a very special little girl we know sidled up to me and cuddled into me for about 5 mins, whilst I was talking to someone, then just floated off to have fun with her friends - I felt like God had sent me a hug when I needed it...............
Will try and keep this up..........
Kal x

And my baby is 17!!

How did it happen? I know its such a cliche but how did I get to be mum of a strapping 6ft 3in gorgeous young man? I know Sarah is almost 20 (that will be a shock in itself -mum to a real grown up adult!!!!!!! :)) but PJ is my baby :D ( I know you must be cringing now PJ).
Anyway a nice day so far - he's had a driving lesson and had a drive round with me and Sarah and he's now at Hannah's. This evening we're going our for a meal - nice times.
Its been a quiet relaxing week so far, even if its going too fast. A lovely sunday, BBQ in the garden with friends, some mixed weather but improving now, just in time for a few days sunbathing before I have to go back to work.
Oh and I have my provisional results for that essay and I got 60% - means I have to do part 2 now :S
Paul's dad is still in hospital, its driving us mad that they haven't involved his oncologist even though he's been in 12 days and they are struggling to re inflate his lungs - but we're trying a back door of influence (Macmillan nurses!)
Off to do some painting :)

Holiday :)

Today is the first of 11 days off work, not away, just at home but I'm very relieved to be having a break............
Paul's dad is in hospital, has been since sunday, when he was rushed in, short of breath, and the discovered bilateral pleural effusions. He's ok, fed up and uncomfortable, and its taking them a while to get his left lung re inflated, and only then will they do some tests to find out what's caused it (I'm assuming the obvious). Paul's mum seems ok. The family are coping............so not as bad as it could have been.
I'm learning to enjoy a days calm when I can, and no work is lovely, I enjoy lots of my job, but not all of it, but I know I'm lucky to have has as much freedom as I have up to now.
I have a few plans for this week, but not too many - and today the sun is shining, with a reasonable chance of more sunshine
Oh and last night Katy and Toby and Archie stayed over, and I'm still dog sitting, and Katy will be home at 3 - I'm out of practice on this - hope I don't forget!

Kal

A strange week

Lots of bits and pieces have happened this week
My colleague moved offices and I stayed - not permanently but because I'm not ready - practically - if I waited until I was ready emotionally I'd be drawing my pension! But I discovered a different way of thinking about it - working from 2 offices - and daft as it may sound - it feels safer!
I have an eye problem that needs checking out and have to wait a week for that to happen (appt tuesday)
Paul's mum had another 'turn', was rushed into hospital, Paul and Graham rushing across the country to be there, but she recovered. We spent the whole day in worrying like mad though, which was exhausting. And we don't know why, or what to do when it happens again, which I struggle with.
And then, to top it all, I manage to tear the muscle sheath in my calf, simply by rushing downstairs to accept delivery of the shed (8am!!!!). SO now I'm hobbling, its better today than it was yesterday, am catching it less, and I know it could be worse.
So its been a long, exhausting week, with worries and anxieties, but no disasters - oh and one amazing sign of God's timing and provision - Hannah has been given a large anonymous donation which puts her significantly closer to her target which is awesome.

Hey ho!!!

All mixed up :S

I think I've mentioned some stuff about work...................basically there is loads of change and uncertainty, and I'm in the middle of it, I'm not quite sure which way my job is going, or if I like the options, do I jump for another job which is far from perfect, but a promotion, or sit it out and hope that either this one is ok, or a better one comes along. I think I know the answer to that - I am not a manager.

And the office move is finally happening. 10 months after i was told it would happen, after me objecting a lot (which wasn't part of the cause of the delay), giving up and resigning myself, its finally happening. We have desks allocated in the other place, they are quite nice desks, with nice people, but it changes how I work, and I think I lose more than I gain, and I think the service loses as much as it gains, and if it loses me then maybe more. So today I'm sad.................had a good go at buying stuff for the new office in the hope it would help (which it did momentarily)but fundamentally I don't want this change. Which is interesting, normally I'm quite a change agent, but then I'm in control - I've had no say in this change, it was imposed on me, and I don't like it. But I have moaned a lot about this and in the grand scheme of things its not worth wasting anymore energy on (it is myself I'm trying to convince)

Onto nicer things - this weekend we are doing stuff in the garden, hopeful the weather is nice, a much needed break. We're all well, Paul's folks are stable, so really the important things are fine.

A long but successful day's shopping

Ruth, my niece, is getting married in September. She has asked Sarah to be her Chief Bridesmaid, a honour that has really really thrilled Sarah, understandably. So today we went shopping for bridesmaid dresses. Val, Ruth, Sarah, me, and the two other bridesmaids. It was a long day because we had to drive to Trowbridge, pick up Val and one of the bridesmaids, drive to Bristol park and ride, meet Ruth and other bridesmaid, bus into Bristol, all before we started shopping. This was the only time I made any demands - Costa coffee before any shopping :)
It was a good day, the girls tried quite a few dresses, we ended in the shop we started in, but not with the first dress. Lovely dresses though
http://www.monsoon.co.uk/invt/45027403&bklist=icat,5,shop,women,womenparty,promdress
It took us an hour to get out of Bristol though, then back to Trowbridge, and home, 11 hours after we started - tired, tired, tired, but a good day

A quiet week..........

In contrast to my beautiful daugther, who has had a manically busy week, I've had a quiet one. I had monday as a day off, tuesday/wednesday was in Coventry on a course, thursday a day at home writing an essay. So I haven't been in the office at all - my out of office and voicemail said you probably aren't going to get me.............. I have checked my emails and there's a stack of work sitting there - but it'll wait :) Its been nice, a less busy week, although not quite a holiday. I've written loads of my essay, which is due in at the end of the month, I can send in another draft just to check, so feeling ok about it. Its for a Post Graduate Certificate in Leadership, and linked to the course I was on this week, there's a second essay I need to work on as soon as I get this one, but I'm on a role so that's ok. This gives me 1/3rd of a masters! The course has been good, spread over a year, but I'm rubbish at distance learning :( I've been in a small group of really diverse people and we've all got on really well - the only problem is boy do they love to drink. Now I know I like a few glasses of wine but on tuesday half of the group had had about 3 predinner drinks, then we had 8 bottles of wine on the table (for 9 of us) and I believe they hit the bar later. I bailed about 930 - they work us hard on these courses - but I also felt I was starting to adapt my behaviour to fit in, and I didn't want to go there - so I left - they were fine about it, they are a nice bunch :)
Tonight we have two of our best friends coming round for a takeaway, wine and a movie - much more my line of fun - am I getting old? Maybe but I'm happy with who I am.

Not to forget its Easter - today is Good Friday - the day when we remember the excruciating, shameful, scary death Jesus chose to go through for me, and you, thank you doesn't seem to be enough does it?

Kal x

A lovely birthday

Yesterday was my birthday (as you probably know). I had a lovely day :) Breakfast in bed, a lovely new bike (so that I can try and get fit), candles, flowers, jewellery. A pedicure, a meal out with my family.
And now a relaxing weekend, the sun is shining at the moment, not too much work next week, and then Easter.
Paul's parents remain ill and frail, but they now have a live in carer and its helped relieve the constant worry. A brief respite I'm sure, but we'll enjoy it while we can.
Off to enjoy the sunshine............

trully mad..............

I am (mad that is), if you weren't sure before (unlikely I know) be assured :)
28 kids for 24 hours, including not enough of them spent asleep (although some at all is probably more than you'd expect). Lots of fun and activity, nearly 3 hours with an additional 50 kids for a party, lots of amazing teenagers, great friends, 'expensive milk', time to share more about Jesus with them.
And now, completely, utterly exhausted.................

Madness - men with white coats etc - either that or sleep................

Sunshine

I've been very aware that I was due (overdue?) a blog but was struggling to think of anything different to say................and I'm sitting here with sunshine streaming through the window!
Now we've been blessed with about a week of spring like sunshine and I love it. The forecast says its going to break soon (well it is only March I suppose)
Sunshine lifts my mood, encourages me to raise my head to the sunlight and thank my God for all He's given me. I know a lot of people suffer with SAD, I don't, but I do feel sooooooo much happier when the sunshines.
So today I'm going to walk down town, buy a costa coffee, browse the shops, and enjoy the day. And pretend not to notice the jobs that I also have to do, or that I'm lonely later. Which isn't a cry for sympathy, a little bit of loneliness is fine - I love alone time, just gets boring after a bit.

Another day off :)

I'm using some leave up at the moment, I'd saved some in case I needed time in Trowbridge, and then realised that the end of March was fast approaching and if I didn't use my leave I'd lose it! we can carry a week over but I had more. The end result is 4 weeks of having a day off per week - and I like it!

I don't have any major plans for today - pottering, shopping with Sarah maybe, writing a bit of an assignment................... and that's one of the lovely things - an unbusy day :)

Sarah is better, tired but better - its such a relief for her and us.

Paul's folk continue their ups and downs.

I feel that God has really been speaking to me about recognising who is whispering in my ear - I can't remember if I've blogged about this before but I'll risk repeating myself. That quiet voice is either our own thoughts, or from God, or from the Devil. Now the Devil is particularly insidious. He speaks many, many untruths into our lives - I'm ugly, unworthy, and there's some really scary stuff either happening or about to happen and I need to fret and worry and try and sort it all out. These are LIES! Apart from anything else worry does not come from God - He does not promise us an easy life but He does promise to be with us always and He promises not to let more happen to us than we can bear. When Sarah was ill I was worrying (its my human nature). Paul and I were praying and Paul prayed something about knowing that God was worrying with us (what he meant was that God was with us in the middle of it all) but I heard in capital letters (if you know what I mean) God does not worry. So my worries were not from God - so I needed to stop. Now it's not that simple, but I am turning to God whenever I worry, and handing it over, and working hard at obedience. I read something about our obedience to God releases His Godly interference - it struck a cord.

So enough deep and meaningful - off to potter :)

A nice day off

Today the sun shone, I had a day off, I went the garden centre with my mum, coffee in town with my husband, my nails and hair done, and relaxed.

I know I am really fortunate, Paul's had a busy, busy day. We've had a call this evening to say that his mum has spent the day in bed, ill as a result of her urine infection, the uncertainty goes on and on.

But for some reason, today I had a few hours off, and it was precious.

And tomorrow is Women's day, some quality time with God, and good friends. Roller coasters should have highs as well as lows shouldn't they? But my husband needs some too.

Anyway, now for a nice evening. :)

Another swoop of the rollercoaster..............

Sarah has had a really horrible sinusitis - 3 weeks later she is at last getting better. A week ago we had a trip to our local hospital for a second opinion - her history of raised ESR made me and the GP a bit twitchy! 5 hours at the medical assessment unit - our first experience of adult services. It wasn't awful - we had some really good nursing care, but a lot of waiting around, and heightened anxiety, to, thank you Lord, be told that they couldn't find anything wrong but the sinusitis. Which is good news, especially now she is at last feeling a bit better. We've since heard stories of this really nasty bug going round, I had a relatively mild version too.

Paul spent another weekend with his M&D, I'm really proud of his devotion to them, and to supporting his sister, but he comes home exhausted, I can't help asking 'how long Lord?'

Work continues to be up and down - quite what my world will look like 6-12 months from now I really don't know, it could be exciting, it could be the wrong place for me, the good news is that I'm not fretting (which is a major thing for me)- I'm relying on the fact that God has it all sorted ' I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you'

But I'm oh so tired....................

But we have a women's away day on Saturday and I'm really looking forward to the time with God (and my friends!)

ordinary everyday life..............

Don't get me wrong - I still have a vision, am still seeking God's presence in all that I do but some days are harder than others.

So..................in the last two weeks we've had lots and lots of snow, and intrepid exploits keeping the service going, and snow men, and snow castles, and slush, and ice, and relief when it went (ok -I get it now Angie). Some yucky days at work, when demands for data, and audits and business stuff make me want to scream and remind everyone that I'm a nurse who cares passionately about patients and making life better for them, not about whether we are 100% compliant with mandatory training. And then a parent tells me how important it is that the people making decisions know what their world is like....................

And Paul's parents continue their excruciatingly slow decline, and Val has had to be signed off from work with exhaustion and stress.

And in the middle God reminds me that 'though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, because His rod and staff will comfort me'

So, ordinary everyday life, with God in the middle of it all, as long as I keep asking Him to be there - thats all it takes- I just have to remind myself occassionally :)

All jazzed up!

According to my gorgeous daughter I am all jazzed up! http://space-kitten.blogspot.com/
And I'm dead chuffed! I think I had slid into mediocrity, still believing totally but fairly self reliant and bogged down with life. Last week I was surrounded by truly awesome women of God, who shone with His presence and gave the impression that they were constantly have a conversation with God, at the same time as conversing with the world. I want some of that! No, I want a double portion of that!!
So - I'm all jazzed up - and sometimes embarrassing!
To balance all this am about to go off to a difficult work meeting - not sure how I balance the 2 but I know God does!

Kal

An Oasis

monday to wednesday was a beautiful. amazing oasis of time and space, away from every day life, worries about Paul's parents and work stuff
I (along with Val and Diana) went to the New Wine Children's Leaders Conference. I was a bit dithery about going, could I afford to have time off work, could I cope with being away from home right now and so on...................
Well Paul's mum is on hospital, so safe and being looked after, which meant Paul's dad had space to rest a bit, as did Val, Paul's sister (not Val, great friend who was away with me)
Sarah's results were amazing so that was good
So off we went!
I knew the speakers were the Children's Workers from bethel , Bill Johnson's church. I was actually a bit wary of this, I've heard a lot about Bill Johnson (Pastor Bill as I soon became used to hearing) and have heard him speak once, but still a little wary. I feel a real confusion/tension when it comes to pray for healing. I believe God heals - He is all powerful - but I work with so many people who are not healed, and, I'm slightly ashamed to say, because I haven't been healed, or seen a healing whilst I've been praying, I struggle a bit.
So in 3 days I was taught how to teach children to pray for the sick, cast out demons, cleanse the leapers, raise the dead, prophesy and worship. Just like that. Of course in the process I was taught, and inspired. The ladies teaching were truly amazing. Partly because they were real. At the end of the session on healing Deborah, the person speaking, asked us to pray for her best friend who was in surgery at that time, having a double mastectomy, for breast cancer. She was in tears, because, although she believes God heals, she was scared for her friend.
Deborah is awe inspiring, she has an amazing gift of prophesy, I want to see the world through God's eyes, as she does. I mean it I really really want this, and I am earnestly seeking it.
All of the teaching and ministry was great, Val and I are praying about how and when we teach the sunday school. We decided we might just do prayer for healing and chicken out of raising the dead at the moment - not sure the church is ready for that - but God is in control
So yah - awesome amazing blessings :)

A strange day........................

I cant decide if it was good or bad, such a mix of both.
I woke up realising I had a sore throat and was sniffing and sneezing, but thought hey, quiet day, working at home this morning, it'll be ok. Well almost as soon as I switched my work phone on it went mad with a fairly major problem, not mine in any way, but with repercussions for the wider world. I didn't sort it, not sure it was mine to sort, but I did spend a load of time telling everyone it had gone wrong and be warned. Then another panic which I did sort. Then it was time to drive to Trowbridge..................
Paul's mum had another episode on tuesday, less than a week after the last one- the GP who saw her this time isn't convinced this was a TIA but then he wasn't very helpful at all! Anyway Social Care were due to visit to reassess and I offered to go over to give Val moral support, and Sarah ended up coming to support me!
The Social Worker was excellent (Sarah was impressed!), the OT did her stuff, the Nurse was out of her depth (the SW and I did try to help her out :P). we now have a care plan that, if its agreed, will put a live in carer in24/7, with only a minimal top up by Paul's parents, and then only if the SW's case for both their needs counting doesn't work. The problem is that right now Social Care say she is a health problem as she has a UTI, but the aforementioned useless GP says there's nothing wrong with her she's just old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So Paul and Val get to try and hold things together with 2 nights covered by Social Care (cos the SW is brill and wheedled it out of her manager) then, God willing, care plan kicks in in about 10 days.
The really special bit was that I had a few moments with Paul's mum, alone. I asked her if she was ok with all this, she said she knew she was in God's hands, but that she had told Him she had had enough..............I told her that it was fine, we would miss her desperately but she wasn't to linger on our account, that we would take care of each other. I then got to thank her for being an amazing Spiritual mum to me. We shared a few tears as you can imagine. I don't know how much longer we have but too often we lose someone and think, if only I had had chance to tell them what they meant to me, well today I had that chance and it was very special.

So a mixed day, we are surviving this roller coaster but its tough, thank God that He is carrying us.

So glad its the weekend

You'll be pleased to know I have much better perspective on my bad day at work. The stuff will be investigated but I did everything I knew to do and I think it was other systems that failed, not mine. One of things that helped this is the blog of the mum of a patient of mine, she is amazing, and listening to her cope with her days makes me realise my work issues are nothing.

Paul's mum had another fall, and a TIA, Paul's dad is sleeping more and more, we're on an inexorable decline, we just don't know the timescales, and that makes sustaining energy hard, really hard. It gives me a whole knew understanding and appreciation of what my patients and their families go through - do you get used to this if you do it for years?

But its friday, a chance, hopefully to catch our breath a bit (alongside all the laundry and other stuff)

Bad day at work

I was going to try and describe my day, when something went wrong, resulting in a complaint, but its too complicated to do without compromising anyone. But I did write it out and I have it clearer in my head, together with a thought of how we could do it better next time.

So life elsewhere...........Paul's parents continue to plod along, one step forward, 2 back. Paul spent last weekend there, which seemed to help him feel in control, that he is helping (which he is) but now he is in Leeds and I miss him.

Sarah is busy working, being paid to run the Children's work during a CMS conference, very long days for a basic wage but she's enjoying it.

Pj's back at school and working hard.

Work generally has that feel of things changing although nothing is definate, I think in general I have that January 'blah' feeling.

Oh well, soon be spring!

Back to work :(

So obviously I'm writing this sunday evening before I go back to work tomorrow morning. I'm not looking forward to it - I have a list of things to do (all those things that I gaily put on the 'these can wait until after the holidays' side rather than 'must do before I go') and of course the dreaded office move is supposedly scheduled for this month. I am trying to be positive, I've wasted enough energy over this when nothing I say will stop it but fundamentally I do not want to go, I do not want my role to change, the most valuable bit for me is the patient/family contact - being clinical, and I think that this move will take me further from that bit. Now its actually, truly, positive to have found this out this way rather than being tempted into a pure management role and then finding out. My plan is to sit the move out, be very flexible about how I work, hold onto the fact that it may not be as bad as it feels, and pray for an alternative job! There is a whisper of a job that could be the answer - I chose to trust that God IS in control of this and has a master plan!

Someone asked me before Christmas what the high and low points of 2008 were for me. I fudged the answer with him, but I've been thinking it over!

The work thing is a low, as is Paul's M&D being so ill and the constant uncertainty. Sarah having such a horrible time in halls, PJ's brief but scary illness, Sarah's blood test stuff.............

But the highs - Sarah loving her course - being a round peg in a round hole, making fab friends, God clearly telling us to bring her home, New Wine in the rain, PJ being an awesome young man, Hannah, good friends, and my gorgeous husband who I get to share all of this with.

Its a useful exercise - its reminded me that in the good and the bad God was with us, holding us up, sending us support through friends, words etc, leading us.

I think this year will be hard - its is very very likely we will lose Paul's M&D, but I know my Papa will be with me.

So I suppose I can cope with work tomorrow - how can I do more than just cope - can I reflect His glory? Be His presence? I can try.

Love and prayers x