An Oasis

monday to wednesday was a beautiful. amazing oasis of time and space, away from every day life, worries about Paul's parents and work stuff
I (along with Val and Diana) went to the New Wine Children's Leaders Conference. I was a bit dithery about going, could I afford to have time off work, could I cope with being away from home right now and so on...................
Well Paul's mum is on hospital, so safe and being looked after, which meant Paul's dad had space to rest a bit, as did Val, Paul's sister (not Val, great friend who was away with me)
Sarah's results were amazing so that was good
So off we went!
I knew the speakers were the Children's Workers from bethel , Bill Johnson's church. I was actually a bit wary of this, I've heard a lot about Bill Johnson (Pastor Bill as I soon became used to hearing) and have heard him speak once, but still a little wary. I feel a real confusion/tension when it comes to pray for healing. I believe God heals - He is all powerful - but I work with so many people who are not healed, and, I'm slightly ashamed to say, because I haven't been healed, or seen a healing whilst I've been praying, I struggle a bit.
So in 3 days I was taught how to teach children to pray for the sick, cast out demons, cleanse the leapers, raise the dead, prophesy and worship. Just like that. Of course in the process I was taught, and inspired. The ladies teaching were truly amazing. Partly because they were real. At the end of the session on healing Deborah, the person speaking, asked us to pray for her best friend who was in surgery at that time, having a double mastectomy, for breast cancer. She was in tears, because, although she believes God heals, she was scared for her friend.
Deborah is awe inspiring, she has an amazing gift of prophesy, I want to see the world through God's eyes, as she does. I mean it I really really want this, and I am earnestly seeking it.
All of the teaching and ministry was great, Val and I are praying about how and when we teach the sunday school. We decided we might just do prayer for healing and chicken out of raising the dead at the moment - not sure the church is ready for that - but God is in control
So yah - awesome amazing blessings :)

A strange day........................

I cant decide if it was good or bad, such a mix of both.
I woke up realising I had a sore throat and was sniffing and sneezing, but thought hey, quiet day, working at home this morning, it'll be ok. Well almost as soon as I switched my work phone on it went mad with a fairly major problem, not mine in any way, but with repercussions for the wider world. I didn't sort it, not sure it was mine to sort, but I did spend a load of time telling everyone it had gone wrong and be warned. Then another panic which I did sort. Then it was time to drive to Trowbridge..................
Paul's mum had another episode on tuesday, less than a week after the last one- the GP who saw her this time isn't convinced this was a TIA but then he wasn't very helpful at all! Anyway Social Care were due to visit to reassess and I offered to go over to give Val moral support, and Sarah ended up coming to support me!
The Social Worker was excellent (Sarah was impressed!), the OT did her stuff, the Nurse was out of her depth (the SW and I did try to help her out :P). we now have a care plan that, if its agreed, will put a live in carer in24/7, with only a minimal top up by Paul's parents, and then only if the SW's case for both their needs counting doesn't work. The problem is that right now Social Care say she is a health problem as she has a UTI, but the aforementioned useless GP says there's nothing wrong with her she's just old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So Paul and Val get to try and hold things together with 2 nights covered by Social Care (cos the SW is brill and wheedled it out of her manager) then, God willing, care plan kicks in in about 10 days.
The really special bit was that I had a few moments with Paul's mum, alone. I asked her if she was ok with all this, she said she knew she was in God's hands, but that she had told Him she had had enough..............I told her that it was fine, we would miss her desperately but she wasn't to linger on our account, that we would take care of each other. I then got to thank her for being an amazing Spiritual mum to me. We shared a few tears as you can imagine. I don't know how much longer we have but too often we lose someone and think, if only I had had chance to tell them what they meant to me, well today I had that chance and it was very special.

So a mixed day, we are surviving this roller coaster but its tough, thank God that He is carrying us.

So glad its the weekend

You'll be pleased to know I have much better perspective on my bad day at work. The stuff will be investigated but I did everything I knew to do and I think it was other systems that failed, not mine. One of things that helped this is the blog of the mum of a patient of mine, she is amazing, and listening to her cope with her days makes me realise my work issues are nothing.

Paul's mum had another fall, and a TIA, Paul's dad is sleeping more and more, we're on an inexorable decline, we just don't know the timescales, and that makes sustaining energy hard, really hard. It gives me a whole knew understanding and appreciation of what my patients and their families go through - do you get used to this if you do it for years?

But its friday, a chance, hopefully to catch our breath a bit (alongside all the laundry and other stuff)

Bad day at work

I was going to try and describe my day, when something went wrong, resulting in a complaint, but its too complicated to do without compromising anyone. But I did write it out and I have it clearer in my head, together with a thought of how we could do it better next time.

So life elsewhere...........Paul's parents continue to plod along, one step forward, 2 back. Paul spent last weekend there, which seemed to help him feel in control, that he is helping (which he is) but now he is in Leeds and I miss him.

Sarah is busy working, being paid to run the Children's work during a CMS conference, very long days for a basic wage but she's enjoying it.

Pj's back at school and working hard.

Work generally has that feel of things changing although nothing is definate, I think in general I have that January 'blah' feeling.

Oh well, soon be spring!

Back to work :(

So obviously I'm writing this sunday evening before I go back to work tomorrow morning. I'm not looking forward to it - I have a list of things to do (all those things that I gaily put on the 'these can wait until after the holidays' side rather than 'must do before I go') and of course the dreaded office move is supposedly scheduled for this month. I am trying to be positive, I've wasted enough energy over this when nothing I say will stop it but fundamentally I do not want to go, I do not want my role to change, the most valuable bit for me is the patient/family contact - being clinical, and I think that this move will take me further from that bit. Now its actually, truly, positive to have found this out this way rather than being tempted into a pure management role and then finding out. My plan is to sit the move out, be very flexible about how I work, hold onto the fact that it may not be as bad as it feels, and pray for an alternative job! There is a whisper of a job that could be the answer - I chose to trust that God IS in control of this and has a master plan!

Someone asked me before Christmas what the high and low points of 2008 were for me. I fudged the answer with him, but I've been thinking it over!

The work thing is a low, as is Paul's M&D being so ill and the constant uncertainty. Sarah having such a horrible time in halls, PJ's brief but scary illness, Sarah's blood test stuff.............

But the highs - Sarah loving her course - being a round peg in a round hole, making fab friends, God clearly telling us to bring her home, New Wine in the rain, PJ being an awesome young man, Hannah, good friends, and my gorgeous husband who I get to share all of this with.

Its a useful exercise - its reminded me that in the good and the bad God was with us, holding us up, sending us support through friends, words etc, leading us.

I think this year will be hard - its is very very likely we will lose Paul's M&D, but I know my Papa will be with me.

So I suppose I can cope with work tomorrow - how can I do more than just cope - can I reflect His glory? Be His presence? I can try.

Love and prayers x