Life...

I sometimes struggle with what to write in my blog because so much of what is going on in my life is because of work, and I cant write about that......I love my job, I work with a great bunch of people, I get to do the job God created me to do and I work with the most amazing children and their families. And I maintain that caring about is as important as caring for. Which makes it a tough job to do sometime. But they are other people's stories so the bits I can talk about here are limited, and talking about trivial things seem wrong.

 

But a friend commented that I hadn't posted for a while so here I am.......

 

 I feel blessed when I can watch children make new friends at the same time as they are grieving. I am in awe of friends who can smile through tears, and be there for each other. I am glad that they, and I can balance a relationship that is part professional and part friend, in varying mixes. I am grateful for other times when purely as a professional I get to walk alongside people, and make a little bit of a difference.

 

I appreciate good coffee, and friends to share it with. Days off to recover and rest. A day when the sun shines, and the days are just a little bit longer, a hint of spring just round the corner.

 

Other stuff - Paul about to be travelling again.....the start of my dissertation, that early bit where it feels like I have enough time to enjoy learning. Sarah, PJ and Hannah all well and thriving in what they are doing.

 

words....

It's struck me recently how the smallest of words can have the broadest of meanings.

 

OK - what exactly is ok? It's our stock answer to the 'how are you?' question, but can hold so many options. Particularly in the context of grief. I'm just as likely as anyone to ask this question faced with someone who has lost someone precious, mainly because what else do you say, and I hope its better than saying nothing. I often follow it with a  'that's a daft question, isn't it?'. But I decided recently that anywhere between not getting up, washed or dressed (and there's occasions when this is ok), and not being in complete denial, counts as 'ok'. Thinking some more post Sarah's accident has made me acutely aware that it can encompass huge relief and gratitude, and reeling with shock and what might have been - we were ok, and are ok (moving towards the much more ok now).

 

NORMAL is another of those words....as I shopped in Abingdon today I heard people talking about getting back to normal - 'whatever that is'. I thinks its another moveable feast. I love the normal of a house full of children and mess, and I like the normal of a day of peace and quiet, and a busy day at work.

 

LOVE - came down at Christmas, as a tiny baby, helpless and defenceless, to rescue us, to answer the forever question of what is God's answer to pain and suffering - JESUS.

 

THANK YOU - isn't a big enough word(s).

 

Guardian angels...

On Monday I had a phone call from a lady I didn't know, calling on Sarah's phone.

 

Sarah was trapped, upside down, in her crashed car. She was able to talk, and emergency services were on their way. I spoke briefly to a very frightened Sarah, and then I jumped in my car.

 

One very scary drive later (where I desperately tried not to think at all, rather to concentrate on not speeding or crashing my car, but did manage to call Paul and tell him), and I arrived at the 'scene'.

 

To a scene of blue flashing lights, its a dark part of the countryside, and all I could see were these blue lights.....knowing Sarah was somewhere in the middle. Even now the memory fills me with horror.

 

The next bit is a series of stills....

The policeman letting me in when I told him I was her mum

Standing watching the fire crew and paramedics doing there stuff, not being able to get anywhere near her.

Paul arriving,

Ringing PJ and Hannah......what do you say when you know so little?

Realising I needed to get people praying, that this was something I could do. So I rang one friend with the few details I had, and she rang others, who rang more.

Kind, efficient, caring professionals, who did their job and helped us wait.

 

She was trapped for almost an hour, at some point the paramedic said he couldn't find any injuries but couldn't check her over completely until she was out. Eventually they lifted her out, and eventually I could go to her, and see and speak with her. Cold, scared, shaken, but alive, conscious and moving.

Obs that started being done that were all normal (apart from a temp of 35.4). Eventually an ambulance that took her and me to A&E, to resus, and a team to check her over. Log rolls and neck braces, scans and xrays, more phone calls, holding ones, then ones of pure relief when we finally heard them clear her of any injury but lots of bruised and battered soft tissues. And discharge her.

 

Today her aches are easing, she's driven Paul's car, we're all recovering from the shock, which has layers, and highs and lows.

 

But relief and thankfulness are predominate.

 

God is amazing - He kept her safe through an horrific car crash (her car is a right off). He surrounded her with his angels, heavenly ones, and earthly people He sent to look after her - Jane - the neighbour who heard the car horn and was with her in minutes, who was calm and sensible. Ged - the off duty policeman who stopped, who got in the car with Sarah, who talked her through the whole experience, who kept her safe. For the policemen, the fire crew, the paramedics and doctors and nurses, who did their job. For friends and families who prayed, and worried, and rejoiced with us. To my God, who cares, and loves us, and saved us from a tragedy, the  thought of which still haunts me, just a little.

 

 

 

 

As an aside I get thanked for what I do, as we thanked those who did their job that night. We all try and do our job well, and we all brush aside the thanks we're given. This reminded me of the difference it makes when that job is done with skill and attention to detail, and efficiency, but more, with care, compassion, and a little bit of humour.

For James...

Apparently I don't blog often enough! Whilst I acknowledge this is true, and I'm going to have a go at being better, one of the things that often hinders me is that much of what is going on in my life is work, and its hard to know if and how to talk about it whilst maintaining confidentiality. But I do have other things in my life....

 

One of these is studying, which is possibly a cheat, as its all work related at the moment. But I've just finished one assignment, which drove me mad and then got me hooked! Which is quite a good thing as it was the research module ahead of my masters dissertation, which I have now officially begun. And I'm raring to go. I'm also aware this probably won't last. But I discovered that I quite like research. I've always liked writing essays, to me it feels like a jigsaw without a full picture, that has a frustrating bit where you really think it can't fit together, and then suddenly it does, and makes quite a nice picture. Research is even more so, you start with an idea, and start hunting to find out what the picture will look like, will it end up anything like your original idea. Which I enjoy (and most of my friends will think is mad!)

 

What else? Well Paul's mammoth travel/work away stint is over for now. The beginning was ok, I was studying, and I quite enjoy my own company, but as time dragged on (this was a 9 week period) I got totally fed up, tired and stressed. And now we're attempting to adjust, which will happen (I will get used to sleeping next to a snorer again), and having someone to share all the jobs with, and even better having someone to share the highs and lows of my day with is good. And Sarah will appreciate not having me taking out my stress in either tears or tantrums!

 

And its nearly Christmas, Hannah comes home today, carol services this evening, I finish work on Thursday, PJ comes home. And then we get to enjoy some time together, and we get to celebrate :)

 

When two worlds collide

Last week the very precious daughter of some of my best friends died. We knew she wouldn't make old bones but we weren't expecting it. There was no warning, no illness, just a suddenness. Which we know was better for her.....

 

I know that nothing I am feeling compares to how her family are feeling. But I loved her, and I love them. And for the first time (and hopefully the only time) my worlds, home and work, have collided. Her parents called me, because they knew that as their friend, I would be there in a heartbeat. They called me because they knew that in my professional role I could help. And I did.... a bit.

 

And this meant I got to walk with them through the early hours of this horror. I got to see God's hand working, in little things and in big things. And I moved with them to my place of work, where my team did their stuff, for the family, and for me. They gently helped me move from professional to friend.

 

And now, some days later, the worlds have technically separated again. Many many people have such grief in their personal lives, and go to work or school. Its just I'm not sure how to reconstruct this for me. I stood in that place and cried, and all the things I did for others I did for her, with no boundaries, no barriers, my heart laid bear. How do I put it all back together?

 

I'm trusting in God, and in years of training, and in my team, again. And feeling guilty, my troubles barely compare to her family's. But I know they love me too, and probably know all this for me.

 

 

Permanent :)

If you read this regularly you will remember this http://kalbrombley.blogspot.co.uk/2010/10/ive-been-waiting-long-time-to-write.html or even this http://kalbrombley.blogspot.co.uk/2010/12/blog-post.html. Well those two years, which back then seemed a long time, are almost up - January to be exact, and the time to plea for a permanent contract arrived.

 

It was interesting because my first instinct was that I didn't want to drive this. One of the things I learnt in those hard times was that life is so much better when I let God be in charge. Its left me a bit wary of leading on things in case I get in the way. I'm still working on this fine balance but at New Wine they were talking a lot about the fact that God often answers are prayers with 'ok, let us do this' with an emphasis that He chooses to work with us, through us.

 

But I hate selling myself....

 

But I got over it, and wrote a 4 page proposal of why they would want to keep me, showing how the role has made a big difference to children, families, and services, mine and many others. And I've had to sit as everything I do was discussed, and judged, and because, as those of you who know me, know, who I am is part of what I do, they were judging me. Its a hard place to be. Its separate to me knowing who I am in God, but a) I need a job and b) I wanted this one. I love it, and it does make a difference, and I do believe I'm doing God's work, and I count myself very blessed to be able to say this.

 

So last week the first hurdle, the management group, the people I work with. A unanimous YES :)

 

This week, trustees, people who know me less well, but are responsible for the organisation. A meeting that was very different with some difficult decisions to make, a last minute warning that maybe they wouldn't get to me......but they did, and a unanimous YES.

 

This is a slight underestimation of quite how stressed I was! But its over now.

 

And I am about to have a permanent contract, the validation that they value what I do, the go ahead to carry onwards and upwards.

 

I am very very relieved and excited. As I've said I love my job, and I love working for this organisation.

 

It was a risk 2 years ago, but my desperation to get out of my old job made that risk easier to take.

 

My one fear was that away from that old job, I would drift from God, I actually prayed that this job wouldn't be too easy! I don't regret that prayer. But I underestimated the cost of this job. I care for children who are dying. Each and everyone of them is so precious, and its wrong that they are suffering and dying. I do make a difference, and God enables me to carry this load, but I cling to Him just as much, which is what I wanted.

 

So today I look forward to more, so much more, and give thanks.

 

 

Parenting young adults

Parenting is always an adventure, its always about trying to stay one step ahead of your kids, anticipating the next step of their development, the next step of freedom. They're have been times when I've had to say -  give me a moment, let me think- which I think is ok, because its ok for your kids to know that you need to learn, and grow and adapt.

 

So my/our latest challenge is being a parent to young adults. In very different ways its been an interesting summer. If you read my last blog you'll know what's been going on with PJ. And that I've been very peaceful about it all summer (aside from some initial uncertainty). But I've been slightly thrown these last few days, as he's just returned to Southampton, and is looking for work, and just beginning to find his feet in his Church. And I'm fretting, just a bit, about him being on his own, about him finding work, which is daft, because I know God's plan for his life is amazing. But then I know I'm only human.

 

The other interesting perspective has been some stuff that Sarah has experienced this summer. Someone judged her unfairly, spoke harshly to her, hurt her. Which, of course, hurt me, and Paul. But she's an adult, and we're not supposed to feel this for her.......Now amazingly God has completely overwhelmed me. and swamped me with his peace. I've still had some unkind thoughts towards the person involved but God has challenged me, and held me. And Sarah has, after a few weeks, had a complete and unreserved apology. But its been interesting....

 

On a much more positive note we've had Hannah staying here all summer, which has been lovely, seeing her and PJ together, seeing her as part of our family.